According to some new research, the unknown enemy of many a relationship is psoriasis (that skin disorder that Kim Kardashian has). Who knew? I mean, once a guy canceled a date by telling me he “was itching all over.” But I’m pretty sure that was just lie because he ghosted after that. And he definitely didn’t have psoriasis. Anyhow, the research found that a staggering 25 percent of all psoriasis sufferers claim they were dumped at some point because of their scabby, scaly skin. Of course, the dumpers could have been trying to sugar-coat things when they said: “It’s not you, it’s your psoriasis,” but it’s such an dick-ish things to say that it seems unlikely.
With all the perfectly good reasons to dump someone — they’re untrustworthy, they bore you to tears, they’re life dream is to become a nudist and live off the grid — psoriasis is not anywhere near acceptable. Emotional incompatibility. Fine. Different visions for the future. Sure. Psoriasis. You suck, psoriasis shamers. This gets me thinking, if so many people are getting canned over a totally treatable auto-immune disorder, others must be getting dumped for even stupider reasons. Below, I’ve started a running list of some reasons that are NOT valid for breaking up because I feel like we ought to have one. You’re gonna have to come up with something more substantial, people…
1. They still wear a retainer to sleep. Come on, that’s endearing.
2. You don’t like the smell of their shampoo. At least they wash their hair.
3. Their car is perpetually in the shop. Get your own damn ride.
4. You find their twitter handle lame. #getoverit
5. They have a catchphrase that annoys you. “Cool beans” is pretty bad, but it can be overcome.
6. They have no sense of smell. They’ll never smell your farts!
7. They have a triple nipple or a sixth toe. I have a soft spot for an anomaly, but maybe that’s just me.
8. Their orgasm face is funny. The orgasm is the important part, not the face.
9. They make clinking sounds with their teeth when they’re sucking on hard candy. Everyone gets a pass for mastication.
10. Because their cat had kittens. Even if you’re severely allergic, dumping someone because of their kittens makes you a soulless human being.
11. They don’t wash their hands after they pee every single time. OH WELL.
12. They hum too much. At least they’re happy.
13. They eat snacks in bed and leave crumbs. Annoying, but forgivable.
14. They spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning their ear wax with Q-tips. Much better than having to stare at ear wax build up.
This is a good start. Please add on as you see fit.