It’s a universal truth that men get freaked the fuck out when a woman utters the phrase, “We need to talk.” (It freaks women out as well, but not to quite the same extent.) If you want to get a guy quivering in his boots, those four words will always do the trick. But WHY? From what men tell me, “we need to talk” signifies extreme relationship danger. To a guy, it’s the verbal equivalent of being hunted by a bear. It’s talk of marriage, babies, cheating or whatever thing you know he doesn’t want to talk about. It makes a guy feel trapped. Boxed in. In trouble. It sends him into an automatic anxiety spiral. I’ve personally retired the phrase at the behest of my boyfriend. “Don’t announce the major convo, just get into it,” he requested. Noted.
But the thing is, the majority of the time when a woman says “we need to talk,” it’s like, seriously NBD. We just want to have a convo — not about marriage, babies or anything crazy. Yeah, sometimes we want to talk about serious stuff, but more often than not, it’s not the kind of serious stuff you fear. We probably want to ask for advice about career issues or try to convince you to buy new bedding with us this weekend. Until we can think of a new phrase that doesn’t instill the fear of God in you, we’d like to prove to you, dudes of the world, that “we need to talk” doesn’t have to be that scary. Deep breath. Here are some things she probably wants to talk about:
1. She wants to ask you to spend the holidays with her family instead of yours.
2. You’ve been loading the dishwasher like a jackass and it’s driving her insane.
3. She feels weird about something you did/said and has been stewing about it.
4. She wants you to take off your shoes at the door and stop dragging mud into the apartment.
5. She plans to cut all her hair off and wants your blessing.
6. She’s hoping you two can take a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond this weekend to shop for a new duvet cover…and she knows it’s going to be a hard sell.
7. She needs to engage in an extended vent session about work.
8. She’s going through some intense emotional stuff and wants your help sorting it out.
9. She’s starting a new eating plan that requires the temporary banishment of cookies from the apartment.
10. She’s having a health issue that’s freaking her out and wants some support.
11. She slipped back into an old, bad habit and feels the need to confess.
12. An ex has resurfaced and she wants to give you a heads before she responds to him.
13. She has a yeast infection and can’t have sex for a while (sorry!)
14. Her best friend is being a bitch and she wants to get your take on the matter.
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