What would Halloween be without scary campfire stories? It’s the best time of year to get bundled up, binge on s’mores, and try to scare the shit out of your friends with creepy tales of ghosts, demons, serial killers, monsters, and ax murderers. We thought it was time to give these classic tales a pop culture twist, because really, what’s scarier than Hollywood? Here’s how it works: use whatever standard scary story intro you want (dark and stormy night, friends doing a séance, creepy cabin sleepover, haunted bathroom mirror, etc), and then sub in one of these celebrity-inspired punchlines for the big, gasp-worthy finish:
1. When suddenly he realized it wasn’t a loofah at all, it was Miley Cyrus’ disembodied tongue, and it was hungry for human blood.
2. The knocking grew louder and louder; it was incessant and urgent. Finally, the door creaked opened. A dark figure stood there in the pouring rain. “I’m Kris Jenner,” it said, “and I’m here to adopt you.”
3. Since he wasn’t superstitious, he accepted his friends’ dare and said, “Bieber sucks!” three times in a row. The surface of the bathroom mirror jiggled slightly as a red-eyed Belieber crawled out of the glass, staring right at him and hissing, “Taaaaaake iiiiiit baaaaaaack.”
4. When she awoke she was in a white room, completely empty except for a large painting of L. Ron Hubbard. Two men in white jumpsuits appeared and leaned down to whisper in her ear: “Mr. Cruise is in the market for a new wife, and he’s chosen you.”
5. In that moment she realized the radio wasn’t broken. The endlessly repeating chorus of “Blurred Lines” wasn’t coming from the radio at all. It was everywhere — in the trees, the clouds, the ground itself — and it showed no signs of stopping.
6. Gwyneth smiled and handed him a mason jar containing a “cleanse” of gunky artisanal sorghum and ipecac. “If we’re going to be roommates, we’re going to play by my rules,” she said with a slight British accent. “Drink up, darling.”
7. PING! PING! PING! The texts were coming in even faster now, her violently buzzing phone causing the whole kitchen table to vibrate. She took a deep breath and picked up the phone. When she saw the screen, she gasped: not only had Anthony Wiener somehow gotten her number, but the sexts were coming from inside the house.