In honor of Global Handwashing Day (yes, it’s real holiday!), the Metro UK compiled a list of the five most annoying types of coworkers. Among them were the sick person (who spreads their plague just by setting foot in the office), the feeder (who shows up every day with leftover cookies or birthday cake) the noisy eater (who slurps and sucks and licks their fingers after they eat Dorito’s) the stuff losers (who are always looking for their pen or their shoes) and the Google disbelievers (who still doesn’t know where to look for guidance about how to spell the word I-N-F-U-R-I-A-T-I-N-G).
Really? These sounds pretty innocuous when compared to some of the INFURIATING human beings we’ve worked with. We’ll take the person who brings in cake over the person who announces their bowel movements any day of the work week. Here are the top 40 most annoying coworker habits we’ve encountered. Please note: If you do any of these things, on behalf of the workforce, we beg you to stop before you drive your colleagues insane.
1. Wants all emails faxed while they’re on vacation.
2. Lingers in front of your cube until you comment on their choice of novelty coffee mug.
3. Flips the fuck out every time their computer freezes.
4. Announces every poop.
5. Has projectile sneezes that can be transcribed as “GUHHHH!!!”
6. Has a weird throat clearing tick.
7. Wears theme outfits every chance they get – like sexy lion tamer or schoolgirl.
8. Is always on a cleanse of some sort (and is eager to tell you the digestive results).
9. Has an office humor schtick that involves “coffee is my drug!” jokes and impressions of the camel from that Hump Day commercial.
10. Likes to wrestle in the common area.
11. Uses the community microwave to heat up foul or pungent foods.
12. Hums to themselves all day.
13. Acts terribly awkward in the elevator, either ignoring you completely or making excessive small talk.
14. Comes to work sick and then complains about how sick they are all day.
15. Overshares extremely intimate details about their sex life.
16. Types loud and forcefully…all the time.
17. Makes dramatic personal phone calls at their desk that everyone can hear.
18. Has to comment on EVERYTHING in EVERY meeting.
19. Steals granola bars from the kitchen and hoards them in their desk.
20. Flirts with every person who comes to the reception desk.
21. Always asks to borrow stuff that most people never bring to work with them — like deodorant or a toothbrush. WTF?
22. Douses themselves in Victoria’s Secret or AXE body spray every morning.
23. Tells long pointless stories when you’re busy.
24. Helps themselves to your food without asking.
25. Takes off their shoes under the desk and doesn’t care that their feet REEK.
26. Spreads conspiracy theories about the company.
27. Seems to have no idea how to use a computer (seriously, how did they get hired?).
28. Steals your ideas and takes credit for them.
29. Jams the copy machine and leaves it jammed.
30. Lets their mess spread to your desk.
31. Delegates work to you even though they’re not your boss.
32. Farts all day long without shame.
33. Constantly complains about how busy they are to make themselves feel more important.
34. Throws you under the bus in front of your boss or clients.
35. Takes all work phone calls on their cell phone.
36. Misses at least two days a week of work because they’re “not feeling well.”
37. Asks tons of questions when everyone wants to get out of a meeting.
38. Guilt trips everyone in the office into buying crappy cookie dough and wrapping paper for their kid’s fundraisers.
39. Doesn’t return urgent emails for days.
40. Talks back to the computer screen.