I used to love Groupon, but lately the offers showing up in my inbox are getting more and more tragic. Five dollars for $15 worth of tempura at the sushi buffet a few suburbs over? No thanks. Half-priced Botox at a “salon” in a converted warehouse? I’ll pass. But all these epic Groupon fails did get me thinking about the kinds of Groupons I would actually be eager to use. Most of them are of the fantasy variety, but hey, a girl can dream. Here are 15 imaginary Groupon deals I would redeem in a hot minute:
1. $30 for $3000 worth of unexpected car repairs.
2. 10 minutes of light exertion for the benefits of an hour of intense exercise.
3. Half off the amount of time I spend on hold with the cable company.
4. 70% off the usual number of guilt-trippy phone calls I get from family members in any given week.
5. Buy one classic novel, get the motivation to actually read it free!
6. 90% discount on wine and dark chocolate (redeemable when I’m on my period).
7. Two-for-one orgasms (redeemable anytime).
8. $100 for $1000 worth of student loan payments.
9. 67% extra restraint when I’m about to say something awkward to someone I just met at a party.
10. 10 extra chores done in the time it takes to do 1.
11. 30 french fries for the calories of 1 carrot stick.
12. 80% off the size of a prominent zit.
13. Two-for-one compliments on days I’m feeling iffy about my outfit.
14. 75% off my rent.
15. 10 free heartfelt postcards for every 1 piece of junk mail.