“Men cannot like rabbits,” lamented writer Dave Good in his Salon essay about how the pet bunny he adopted was not the chick magnet he dreamed it would be. In fact, the “quiet little guy who lived on salad, used a litter box, and slept under the bed” ruined his sex life. “Somewhere in mid-stream,” he writes of the one time he was able to lure a woman back to his place for sex, “the bunny snuck under the bed and began madly pounding the floor with its feet — rabbitspeak for danger — which scared my date. She left, and I never saw her again.”
That does sound unsettling — to hear a bunny pounding away under the bed while you’re getting pounded. But we’re not entirely sure the problem is the rabbit. Rather, that Dave lets it live under the bed. That doesn’t seem normal. And … we can’t help but wonder if he cleans the litter box often enough. Women don’t dislike bunnies, but we do hate the smell of rabbit scat. Some things that will make it absolutely impossible to do the deed. We’re willing to look past that moldy dish towel for one night, but it’s hard to ignore a bunny under the bed. Below are some more vagina killers that have sent us running.
1. A huge box of VHS tapes. There were so many that you had to dive over them to get to his bed. Also, it was 2008.
2. A heart-shaped bath mat. There was a red, shaggy heart in front of his toilet. Why?
3. He spit a cough drop agains the wall. He explained that he was a motivational speaker and his palate needed to be wet at all times. That was motivation to leave ASAP.
4. He spent an hour blowdrying and styling his hair. Sure, he was a model, but when he said, “If we ever had kids, they’ll have beautiful hair” while applying really stiff gel, that was it.
5. A piece of Charlie Sheen “Winning” artwork. Nobody deserves to have Charlie Sheen in his mentally unwell phase staring down at them while receiving oral sex.
6. A fleshlight that has a name. He referred to his male masturbator as “Karen.”
7. An empty bookshelf. Actually, that’s a lie. There was one sailing magazine on the shelf.
8. He had an awful case of heat rash. It covered his entire torso. All you can do is think about what else it could be.
9. He used his urethra as a mouth to sing Selena songs. “Dreaming of You” performed by a penis is NOT foreplay.
[Photo from Shutterstock]