Dater X: Are We Really Talking About Sex Before Our First Date?

This past week, I got a bunch of messages on OKCupid. Some of the guys I’d never consider because I tend to avoid men who tell me they prefer to “stay home on most Friday nights and read poetry with a good glass of single malt.” Others seemed too old for me… and that’s not even including the scotch sippers. Out of  the eight messages I received, there were two contenders that seemed datable.

Both were seemingly nice guys — attractive with ambition and wit. Hot Doctor is just finishing up med school and has a smile that would charm the knickers off grandma. The other guy, whom I’ve dubbed Sensitive Frat Bro, is a sweet entrepreneur who could just as easily be wearing a toga and chugging a beer on a Phi Kappa Tau recruitment poster. Eligible bachelors on free dating websites (and in life) are pretty hard to come by, so I decided to message them back. After talking to both of my suitors (one on Gchat and the other on OKCupid instant messenger) for several days in a row about things like family, hobbies, and careers, they both brought up the topic of sex.

As I’m sure you can tell about me, I’m a pretty open person when it comes to my sex life. I don’t usually have a problem discussing my likes and dislikes or my past experiences. I’ve come across a bunch of guys online who’ve messaged me and, off the bat, said things like “We should fuck!” or “Are you into threesomes?” I ignore those guys, natch. But these two guys, who both seem to have their shit together enough, took me by surprise when they ventured into no man’s land before we’d even met in person.

At the end of one of our hour-long chats, Hot Doctor asked me what my “sexual personality” was like, explaining that he only asked because he wants to make sure the person he ends up with is on the same page as him when it comes to “the physical stuff,” as well as the emotional stuff. He went on:

“I am looking for someone who is fun and outgoing, who is able to keep up with a Scorpio. My ex was very shy, insecure and reserved, even in private, and since I love doing certain things in a relationship and want the girl to enjoy them, I like a girl who is open and able to do the same sexually and romantically. Do you think you’d be able to handle that?”

I responded by telling him that I was slightly taken back by his question, but that I also have a personality similar to his. I kept things light and told him that I’ve never had complaints in the past, and that I’m open and adventurous if I’m comfortable enough with the person.

He replied:

“Good to hear. I think a woman needs to have somewhat of a wild side (nothing like that 50 Shades of Grey book though lol). My sex drive is high and I can’t get enough of it when I’m with someone I care about. I’m also a giver. A big, big giver. I love giving to the girl I’m with and I want my partner to have the same sexual appetite.”

Initially, that weirded me out. I’m not too shy to talk about oral sex, but that kind of conversation is usually embargoed ‘til things are more serious. And unlike a lot of the creepers who reach out to me, Hot Doctor seemed to think of it as a valid discussion point— a genuine variable that could affect a partnership. It didn’t feel like he was being disrespectful. I could have done without knowing he’s The Cunnilingus King of the dating world before even knowing his last name. But then again, if I had a low libido, I would know right off the bat that we wouldn’t be sexually compatible, and things likely wouldn’t work out between us. But I happen to have a high sex drive, so his questioning may have actually served a purpose for both of us. Also, who turns down oral sex? Not this gal.

And then there’s tall, dark and handsome Sensitive Frat Bro. Much like Hot Doctor, I was talking to Sensitive Frat Bro for a couple of days when he asked me if I’m “sexual by nature” (not to be confused with hip-hop trio, Naughty By Nature). I told him yes, I was, and he proceeded to ask me how often I would ideally want to have sex in a relationship.

“Thirty-five times a week,” I replied.  I was just kidding. I quite enjoy my ability to walk. For real, I told him that, I have trouble keeping my hands off the other person when I’m really into him. I’d be happy with sex five times a week, depending on the week. I could want it more, I could want it less.

So I answered both of them — honestly enough. But I still worry that guys who ask me about sex before we’ve even gone on a first date are only interested in sleeping with me. I can’t help but automatically assume they’re not looking for something serious. If I choose engage in sex talk before we’ve met, will they think I’m easy? I don’t want my dates to get the wrong impression of me just because I’m answering them honestly. Not to mention, knowing all of the ins and outs of the other person’s sexual habits before you’ve met might spoil the “getting to know you” process. When I’m having a first drink with someone, I want him to be paying attention to what I have to say, not staring off, thinking about how he wants to take me home and tie me to my headboard. I want to be appreciated and liked for my personality, not for my bedroom habits. On the other hand, I can’t help but respect that these men are being upfront. I know that these guys, like every other single person out there, are simply trying to find their perfect match. And let’s face it, sexual compatibility plays a big part in long term relationships.

As much as I want to be courted in a traditional fashion— dates, dinners and holding off on the sex talk until it’s actually time for sex— there’s nothing traditional about online dating. Each profile is there to offer you a take it or leave it option. Because sex is such a personal topic to discuss before actually meeting face-to-face, do I write off the men who ask me about it or should I just take their questions with a grain of salt, as I would if they were asking me about my favorite football team?

The Giants. Always the Giants.

[Photo from Shutterstock]