Warning: This post contains spoilers. Proceed at your own risk! If you don’t want to know why the series finale of “Dexter” was a giant turd, I suggest you stop reading now.
Oh “Dexter.” What has happened to you?
Last night’s series finale of “Dexter” had fierce competition for ratings: the Emmys and the second-to-last episode of “Breaking Bad” aired at the same time, and it says something that despite it being the very last episode ever, I still chose to watch the other two before finding out what happened to Miami’s favorite serial killer. “Dexter” has been on a downward spiral for awhile, but this season — its 8th — has been nearly unwatchable. Even still, I expected the show’s writers, once so smart and funny and risky, to really bring out the big guns for the show’s final episode. Alas, it was a meandering 60 minutes of sloppily tying up loose ends in ways so unsatisfying I’m almost angry to have spent so much of my time watching this show in the first place. Here are the four worst things about last night’s “Dexter” finale. Again, SPOILER FREAKING ALERT.
1. Deb’s death. Last week, Deb was shot after Dexter decided he didn’t neeeeeed to kill Saxon and left him for his sister to deal with so he could jet off to Argentina with Hannah McKay and Harrison. I thought for sure Deb was a goner right then and I was sort of right. Except Deb survived the shooting — only to suffer complications during surgery that led to her being brain dead. Dexter, overwhelmed with guilt and grief — because now we’re supposed to believe Dexter is capable of feeeeeeling those things — waltzes into Deb’s hospital room, pulls the plug, wheels her out of the hospital, carries her lifeless body down the gangplank to his boat (what?!) and just takes off, dumping her body in the ocean. Seriously?!?!?!
Not only is Deb’s death terribly anti-climactic and lame, especially for sure a strong, badass character, the entire sequence is fucking ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, “Dexter” is hardly the world’s most realistic show — a serial killer! on staff with Miami PD! – and the hospital staff was supposed to be all distracted by the impending hurricane, but still. SERIOUSLY?! Are we supposed to believe that Dexter thinks his sister deserves the same kind of water burial as the people he killed? That she doesn’t deserve to have the other people who loved her — Quinn, for example — say their goodbyes? Fuck that noise.
2. Hannah as Harrison’s new mommy. As far as husband-killing sociopaths go, I liked Hannah McKay. I liked her and Dexter together. They had very hot sex! She understands him! They make a good pair! But poor Rita — pooooooor, poooooor Rita — is throwing a goddamn fit in her grave knowing that Dexter, already the Worst Dad Ever, has decided to entrust their son’s life and upbringing in Hannah’s hands. Harrison would have been better off with his grandparents and siblings, not gallivanting in Argentina with Hannah. Someone call Child Protective Services please.
3. Saxon’s death. Dexter stabbed him with a pen. In the police station. In a holding room. ON CAMERA. And Bastista let him walk out of there like it was no big thing. Finally, finalllllly, Quinn and Batista find out Dexter is a killer, but in the most half-assed way possible, and it went nowhere. After eight seasons, this felt like such an enormous slap in the face.
4. Dexter’s “death.” For a hot second there, after Dexter dumped Deb’s body in the ocean like trash, I thought I was watching “The Perfect Storm.” His voiceover, dramatic as ever, moped about needing to protect Harrison and Hannah from himself, and then Dexter drove the Slice of Life directly into the eye of the storm, seemingly killing himself. Except…
LOL, you dummies! Dexter is too selfish to actually rid the world of his “dark passenger”! He just took it to colder temperatures and gave it a Paul Bunyon beard! See, Dexter is a lumberjack now. That’s his new life. Cold and alone and saddddd, with only his wooly beard to keep him company.
Womp womp indeed.