Ranking Cosmopolitan‘s “12 Kinky Quickies” Sex Moves On A Scale Of 1 – 4 Handcuffs

try this at home!
cosmopolitan kinky sex moves

Couples who engage in kink in the bedroom are happier and more secure in their relationships, according to a study cited in the October issue of Cosmopolitan. Girl, you don’t have to tell me this! BDSM sex, when it is safe, sane and consensual, is pretty amazing for all partners.

But hold up for a second. This article was in … Cosmo?! Yes, really, it was.  Cosmopolitan has a well-deserved and iconic place in pop culture history as a place for women to read sex tips, but definitely is not known as the forefront of kink.

Even if the magazine didn’t talk about safe words or the difference between kink and abuse, I appreciate they are trying to include more types of alternative sexuality in their almost-always vanilla and heteronormative sex tips. So I took a look at Cosmo‘s “12 Kinky Quickies” article with a critical eye. Here are my bonafide kinky assessments on their recommended moves:

1. “Get Freaky and Festive” — “With Halloween around the corner (the masks, the mystery!), kink is in the air. … [B]efore heading to a costume party, spend a few breathless minutes with your criminal or prey.” Have sex in your Halloween costume? That sounds more unsanitary than kinky. Also, the copy editor who allowed the phrase “vampy vampire” to get published should be fired.

2. “Try Some Invisible Bondage” — “Have him command you to hold a position (put your arms above your head and don’t you dare move them” … Use your dirty imagination to decide what the consequences are for disobeying.” Bondage/restraint is a fun entry point for spicing up your sex life. So is being psychologically dominated by your partner — i.e. the treat of a (fun) punishment for “misbehaving”! So much of the enjoyment of dominant/submissive sex depends on tone, facial expressions and psychological dynamic between a couple. If you’re going to try your hand at bondage, “invisible” or otherwise, always make sure you constantly communicate so you know everyone is having fun being restrained, not feeling panicky or trapped.

3. “Make The Most Of Your Lunch Break” — “[R]aid the supply closet: Snag a ruler (to spank him with) and a highlighter (to grade his performance with).” Roleplaying is a delicious way to experience fantasies of power play which would be inappropriate — illadvised, unethical or downright criminal— outside the bedroom or, um, supply closet. Boss and naughty secretary, teacher and errant student, Tinky Winky and Po — float your fantasy boat whichever way you fancy. Plus, I’m always in favor of stealing office supplies! 

4. “Wear Your Kink On Your Sleeve” — “[B]e creative with belts, scarves, and tights (just so you know your tights won’t make it back on you in one piece. Use your scarf to bind his wrists. Use his belt to thwack his butt when he’s being bad.” Yes, yes, yes! Try loosely tying your partner to the bedpost with some fabric on hand — a scarf or silk nightgown perhaps, perhaps. Just make sure the knots are loose enough to fit two fingers underneath. Cutting off circulation isn’t sexy! Also, if you’re going to play around with belt spankings, go easy and gentle first, communicate constantly, and work your way up. I still shudder at the welts I had on my thighs when my high school boyfriend and I dope-ishly played around with wire hanger spankings without knowing any better.

5. “Take It Outside”: “Getting busy in a semipublic place is a huge risk, thereby doubling the wattage of your hot rendezvous.” Cosmopolitan is really pushing this sex in public thing, aren’t they? I don’t recommend masturbating on the subway or fucking on a park bench if you want to stay out of jail. Titillating? Yes. Legal? No.

6. “Evoke His Blind Ambition”: “Rip off the cami you slept in and tie it over his eyes. Now you can spin a fantasy using nothing but your words.” Blindfolding is fun! So is dirty talk. Lots of people feel shy about doing the dirty talking, but in my experience, the listener gets indescribably hot and bothered.

7. “Keep Oh-So Quiet” — “Not being ‘allowed’ to make any noise can be a huge turn on …. Stuff your thong or his tie into his mouth, then do dirty, dirty things to him until he’s digging his nails into his palms to keep from ripping that gag out.”  Can I confess something to you? Throughout high school and college — before I really figured out that I was kinky — I used to ask guys that I hooked up with if we could play “The Game.” See, “The Game” was where they would restrain my arms and then lick my nipples while I had to be completely silent. Any noise like squeals or whimpers that I made would count as one spank afterwards. After a long nipple-licking session, I usually racked up a ton of spanks for not being quiet. In conclusion: being forced to be quiet is extremely hot (and you don’t even need to use a gag to do it). Plus, your roommates will appreciate the uncharacteristic silence behind your closed door.

8. “Make A Stopwatch Sexy” — “Challenge your guy to get you off in record time.” What about a quickie is kinky, exactly?  Quickies can be fun, sure, but that’s it. Cosmo really phoned it in on this one.

9. “Use The Tools Of The Trade” — “A spatula in the kitchen can be used to swat a naughty bum. A hairbrush can be used to stroke his chest and thighs and tap into that pain/pleasure thing that kink is all about.” I love me some sex toys, but you don’t need to spend $$$ on paddles or nipple clamps when you can make do with items you find around your own house (including on your own hands). Hairbrushes, wooden spoons, rulers, spatulas and even books are all good for spanking or smacking his penis; clothespins, barrettes, and your own fingers can be used to squeeze nipples — or for the truly daring, your own clit.  As I’ve said before, start slowly and work your way up, constantly communicating all the while. And be safe — stuff like rulers weren’t built to be used this way, so they can break and hurt someone accidentally.

10. “Be Dirty While Getting Clean” — “The ideal position for you is bent over, aiming the shower head at your hot spot while he’s doing his thing from behind.” So this one is … doggie style? Try again, Cosmo.

11. “Rev Your Engine” — “[P]ark the car at the most underground point in the garage. Then straddle him while he’s buckled up.” Again with the public sex! Well, at least this one is more discreet. It sounds fun and naughty. Just hope that garage doesn’t have tons of security cameras everywhere, otherwise you best believe that shit is ending up on YouTube.

12. “Master the Multitask” — “Call him into the bathroom while you’re putting on your makeup, getting ready for a night out. Lift up the back of your (preferably silky) robe and lean forward, resting your elbows on the sink in front of you. Continue to contour your eyes while he enters you from behind.” Again with the doggie style, huh?  Multitasking does sound fun (if a waste of makeup that you’re going to need to reapply if things go well) but I would recommend something more innovative. Give him a blowjob while he’s on a phone call! Do a striptease while you’re cooking the pasta sauce! Be creative.

Here are some other ideas — my own, not Cosmopolitan’s — of ways to add a little kink to your sex life:

  • Have him call you “miss,” “mistress” or “ma’am” in bed. Or you call him “sir.”
  • Let your dude pick out your panties and bra for you. Or, heck, your whole outfit.
  • Where a ring or necklace (some otherwise normal looking jewelry) that means when you have it on, you’re his “sex slave.” Wear it some lazy afternoon when you have the house to yourselves.
  • Have someone wear a leash or a collar.
  • I’ve never met a man who didn’t enjoy a good French maid outfit, y’all. Sadly, you won’t get much dusting done.
  • Watch some kinky videos online together and look for new moves. I would recommend Little Miss Spankypants for those into spanking and a lot of James Deen’s work for everything else.
  • Hair pulling!  I can’t believe Cosmo published an entire article about kinky sex tips and didn’t mention hair pulling. Start gentle and work your way up.
  • Biting and love nibbles. Be gentle at first and communicate constantly.
  • Ice cubes on your nipples. Hot wax on … anything you like.
  • Three words: Ben Wa balls.

Any other kinky sex tips you recommend? Let us know in the comments.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com. ***Emails propositioning me for sex with be deleted without a response.***

[Image of woman handcuffed to a bed via Shutterstock]

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