Hello, Larry Hardin. That’s a very clever pen name, by the way. I hope you like mine as well. It was chosen specifically for this occasion. SO. I read your piece on Thought Catalogue about the 5 Best Compliments Your Dick Has Ever Gotten and wow, is your penis really 11 inches long? OK. And you’re not a porn star because? Oh, never mind. I have a few honest thoughts, feelings and concerns I feel I must share with you. You know, from a female perspective. Because I don’t want you to go through life harboring any more delusions about your HUGE DICK or your abilities in the sack. The truth is: A confident man doesn’t need cock stroking. He knows he has a nice one and we know he knows. Hate to burst your hard on but the only time I’ve ever given a man’s dick a compliment was when he was clearly insecure about his and I wanted to big him up, if you will. Below, you will see that I’ve highlighted a few more points of contention from your piece of cockbraggery and responded in kind. I truly hope this helps.
“The best advice I’ve ever received in the art of lovemaking (and all I’ve ever needed) has been this: ‘Put her pleasure first.’ Needless to say, fulfilling this mantra has kept me in great stead with the ladies.”
In my experience sleeping with a fair amount of men, those who brag about how proficient they are in the sack never are really that good. Also, those who use the word “lovemaking” don’t EVER get laid.Let me give you an even more valuable piece of advice that will keep you in great stead with the ladies: Never, ever brag about your sexual prowess, your penis size or how many women have given you compliments on your dick. Those are all instant vagina killers.
“It’s so huge, it’s like killing me.”
The woman who said this to you while you were fucking her “snug pussy” was trying to tell you that you were hurting her, you dolt. Huge penises can be really, really painful. So if your penis is as gigantic and you say it is, she was not giving you a compliment. And I hate to break it to you, but sometimes a drive down a woman’s “dirt road” is rocky not because you are so large, but rather because you haven’t warmed her up properly. This from the guy who prides himself on putting her pleasure first? I’m not impressed.
“She lay behind me and, for the first time, snaked her hand inside my sweats. Grabbing me by the base, she gasped and said it.”
No “cock tease” would put her hands down your pants to cop a feel of your trouser snake. That’s an oxymoron! Especially not after a night spent drinking Zima in an Albertson’s parking lot. For Christsake, you were wearing sweatpants! Just admit that you stole this scene from a soft core porn and embellished it for the sake of your own entertainment.
“’There’s so much meat down there, it’s like a snake.’ I couldn’t believe how tight she was, and while we showered together afterwards, she playfully hit me for bringing her period on before she could fly home.”
Dear God, Larry Hardin! Not only is that the most disgusting “compliment” I’ve ever heard, but no woman in the history of the universe has ever called cock and balls “meaty.” Gross! Nor has any woman engaged in playful banter upon getting her period unexpectedly. Have you ever even met a woman? I’m starting to think you’re a gay man.
“We slipped into a back bedroom midway through the festivities, and she confessed that she couldn’t stop gazing at the front of my slacks…She called me two days later to tell me she’d been reduced to ‘drawing a picture of your dick to get across to my friends what it was I had.’”
First of all, who are these women who can’t keep their eyes and hands off your junk? This just doesn’t happen in real life. Women rarely check out a guy’s package, like, at all. Unless we’re sleeping with him regularly. Maybe then we’ll glance at it every now and then. Secondly, we DON’T, I repeat, DO NOT draw dick pics. Why would we? If we truly want to remember a penis — and we hardly ever care to — all we do is ask for a photo of your dick and you will eagerly send it.
“She would often speak in amazement about my size, telling me she’d discussed it with her best girlfriend so often that the friend pleaded with her to get to the bottom line. After sharing her guesstimate, I chuckled and said simply, ‘I think you’re right…’”
It is true that women talk about penis size from time to time, but not the exact measurements of a guy we are seeing regularly. Maybe we’d discuss a guy we fucked a couple of times — using our hands to denote his penis size. But if our girlfriends are going to meet a dude we’re seeing and perhaps, spend time with him, we don’t want her having a mental image of his dick. You might like to believe that women are sitting around eager to discuss your penis day and night, but again, you need to separate fantasy from reality, Larry Hardin. And if you really have the 11-inch dick you claim to, go do some porn and leave the tight vaginas of this world alone.
[Photo from Shutterstock]