I hate throwing stuff away, makeup especially, because it’s already superfluous in terms of basic human existence. So throwing it in the actual garbage makes me feel like a reaaaal “who do you think you are?” type of lady.
But alas, my bedroom is overflowing with shit. Shit I can’t use. Shit I don’t need. Shit I wouldn’t wish upon you. Shit forever.
Good God, let’s get rid of it. Here’s what I’ve got on the chopping block:
Clinique Liquid Lipstick
Color name: unknown, rubbed off
Possible Color Names: Carrion Flesh, College Dorm Bathroom Tile, The Fingernail Roast, Sexy Carrion Flesh
When I pulled the applicator out of this little bottle, the tip was stained bright orange, proving the ingredients had separated, big time. When was the last time I wore this kinda-shiny, camaflouge-colored lipstick? Was it ever in style for women to disappear their mouths? (Was it ever not in style? Amirite, misogyny?) My best guess is that I obtained this in the early ‘00s as a rebellion against the matte makeup and raspberry-colored lipstick of the ‘90s, maybe? But I’ll never really know.
In the end: Trashed with no regrets, aside from the fact that, at some point in my life, I chased boys around with a mouth the color of cold slug soup.
Lancome Color Design Eyeshadow
Color: Personal Style (Metallic)
Does anyone else have a secret sex fantasy of being a pixie from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”? I agree with you, Puck, what IS intimacy without wordplay? Lets touch sex parts. In a forest. With glitter.
No? Just me?
In the end: The day will come. IT WILL COME. So, okay, I’m keeping it.
Kat Von D High Voltage Eye Primer for Sephora
For a lady covered in ink, I’d expect Kat Von D to be a little more skin-tone-sensitive. To see a makeup product that’s beige called “skin,” makes me feel like I bought my makeup in 1950. In any case, this product is BROKE-ASS. I was also broke-ass when I recently shirked higher-end brands in favor of this crease creator that a teenage sales girl at Sephora swore was “the best eye primer ever.” Turns out eye primer has only existed for a few years, so “ever” is kind of a useless word.
In the end, I felt like a spoiled jerk trashing it because it’s new and almost full. But it had to go. I made a mental note to e-mail my Mary Kay (yes, for real) sales lady to snag another tube of their super cheap, effective primer.
Clinique Stay The Day Powder Eyeshadow
Color: Sea Blue
“Sea Blue” is pushing it as a description. More like “dead center of the Bermuda Triangle, if someone punched me in the face and tossed me in it.” I bought this eyeshadow back in college, though it’s still in excellent condition. That’s how bad it is. I remember the sales woman telling me it’d go perfect with a different shadow set I bought called “Angel Eyes.” No matter how I used it, though, I never stopped looking like a naïve Midwestern girl who got pounded in the face by Hells Angels. Attention, saleswoman: If that’s what you meant by Angel Eyes, touché. The joke has been on me for the last eight years.
I hate to throw away a functioning product, but damn you are ugly. GARBAGE.
Candie’s Body Powder
Body Powder? Candie’s?! Clearly this product is from high school. But how did it get here in my grownup New York apartment? Oh yeah! BANG GREASE! Dude, this stuff de-grossifies fringe like no other.
I poured some on my head and carried out my day with a creeping nostalgia for Jenny McCarthy. This one’s a keeper. Even though it’s over 10 years old.
Wet n Wild Lipstick
My friends say my Midwestern accent really comes out when I feel shame. Please read the following appropriately: If I look like a baby doll, that’s soooo hot. Fuck-ably hot. Guys worship girls who look like dolls. Ohhhh, this baby pink lipstick will do just the trick. I’m like a Barbie, an agnostic libertarian one! NOW BONE ME ALL THE WAYS.
Woof. Not only do I feel that 29 is far too old to wear this color without a hulking wad of irony, but this lipstick feels like a hulking wad of chalk. It’s thick and chunky, and kinda looks like the makeup they put on dead people.
I am not Katy Perry. TRASHED IT.
[Image of makeup via Shutterstock]