Face Tattoos & 13 Other Things That Seem Like A Great Idea After A Breakup, But Really Aren’t
See that red, squiggly thing on Sinead O’Connor’s cheek that looks like a toddler doodled on her with a pen? That’s her new face tattoo and it’s not actually a squiggle. It’s the initials BQ, which stands for Brendan Quinlan. Remember how Sinead started blogging about being single and considering having sex with a yam and then she met someone and married him for 16 days? Well, Brendan Quinlan is not that guy. He’s someone else. At a performance last week, she told the audience that she got her new ink to remind the guy that betrayed her. Then she put up a post on her website that said:
“Face Tattoo…Brendan Quinlan.. ‘It’s what it is’.. Un ange passe ; ) There’s a bottle of Agent Provocateur in someone’s room that belongs to me.”
Un ange passe translates to “an awkward silence.” I’m not even going to piece together how B.Q. did her wrong, but it seems like a shame that from now until forever, she will wear the scarlet letters of his betrayal on her face. Clearly Sinead is in the throes of PBI (post breakup insanity). But then again, she seems to perpetually exist in that state. In the heat of PBI (post breakup insanity) things that would never otherwise, like getting your face tattooed suddenly seem like the best idea in the world. It’s best to ride out that impulse to visit the tattoo parlor or post a lengthy Facebook rant until your sanity returns. Below, are some things that you might be tempted to do immediately following a breakup. I have done a few of them myself, and please trust me, it doesn’t end well. Consider yourself forewarned.
1. Getting a face tattoo. Or any tattoo really. Just go ahead and stay out of the tattoo parlor until you’ve begun the process of moving on.
2. Chopping all your hair off or getting bangs. And while you’re at it, stay out of the beauty parlor too. Hair decisions should always be made with a clear head.
3. Starting a new, serious relationship the very next day. Even if you’re 100 percent positive you’re madly in love with the guy you met 24 hours ago at Starbucks, remember that you’re not in your right head. Give yourself a month (or six) to heal emotionally before you get entangled with another person.
4. Anything Facebook related. Writing a long, angry status update about how bad your ex is in bed or “vaguebooking” about how much things suck in your life right now are both pretty much instantly regrettable.
5. Seeking sympathy on social media. The same goes for broadcasting your breakup on Twitter or Instagram. Launching a hate campaign against your ex will be sooo embarrassing to scroll through a few short months from now when you’re over him.
6. Writing an angry/rant-y/take me back email. Don’t write emails at all until the waters have calmed. Here are some alternatives to that.
7. Packing up your shit and moving across the country. I knew a girl who packed her entire life into a U-Haul the night her relationship went south. A week later, she was like, Why did I do that? Yeah, why did she?
8. Contacting or sleeping with another ex to make you forget about the recent ex. Ex sex is best undertaken when you’re in a happy place.
9. Hooking up with your ex’s friend to make him jealous. In general it might be best to refrain from all hooking up until you screw your head back on. But for sure, keep out of the cookie jar of his friend circle.
10. Showing up on his doorstep to talk. This only works in rom coms. In real life it’s stalker-ish.
11. Binge eating or drinking. Get your face out of that tub of Nutella, it’s not going to bring him back.
12. Splurge purchases. Since you won’t be buying him that birthday present, you might as well get that $1,000 handbag you want, right? NO.
13. Telling your friends and family what a piece of shit he was. And what if you two decide to get back together? Too late, everyone hates him.
14. Destroying and/or getting rid of everything he has ever given you. Some things, like that poem he wrote you are sentimental, other things are just useful. Burn the poem, but hang on to that laptop he bought you last Christmas.
[Photo credit: WENN]