Dear Patrick Neal Schumacher,
I get it: You were caught between a rock and a horse ride, as it were. You needed to get to your brother’s wedding some 600 miles away, but because your driver’s license had been suspended, you needed to find an alternate means of travel. Planes, trains and other automobiles were apparently out of the question, so you did what any enterprising, horse-owning person might: You decided to traverse the distance to Bryce, Utah, on horseback.
And that, I suppose, was your undoing. Police caught you in Boulder, Colorado, drunk and carrying your small pug Bufford in your backpack, weaving in and out of traffic. You were also carrying a pistol, which police immediately confiscated. A pug and a pistol? That’s a recipe for disaster.
You were charged with a host of crimes, including animal cruelty and riding under the influence of alcohol, so it’s safe to say you won’t be making it to your bro’s wedding in time. Wanna ride over to my place instead? Let me know!