Shrug: I’m Ambivalent About Having A Bachelorette Party

Surprise: not much about my engagement and upcoming wedding will be especially traditional. We’re doing it at City Hall. I’m keeping my last name. I’ll wear a dress that I already own. It won’t be white. We’re not having a rehearsal dinner, or monogrammed “Mr.” and “Mrs.” slippers, or 300 goddamned mason jars covered in doilies.

One wedding tradition that is really  important to my fiancé, though, is his bachelor party. “It’s an excuse for a party!” he keeps saying. Kale loves an excuse for party like I love a new baby panda video on YouTube.

Alas, despite offers of a coed bachelor/bachelorette party and all the ideas in the world from my girl friends (movie night! spa day! drinking and dancing!), my enthusiasm meter for my own bachelorette extravaganza ranges from meh to meh.

Let me explain: I love cocktails, dancing my ass off , spa days and movie nights. In fact, I’ve actually done all of these things in the past week, because I’m cool like that. There hasn’t been a failure of imagination on the part of my friends or myself. I’m just ambivalent about doing anything to celebrate that could possibly involve penis straws.

Let’s break it down: What is a bachelorette party, anyway? A night on the town to celebrate getting married? Your last night of singledom? An excuse for your friends to hire a male stripper dressed like a cop who’ll inform me of my right to remain sexy while spanking me with his baton? None of these experiences — well, maybe that cop stripper — are giving me that much of a boner. That’s just not … me.

The single chapter of my life is closing, but I don’t feel whatever relief or man-wrasslin’ victory that I, a soon-to-be-married lady, am supposedly meant to feel. I just feel happiness! Kale and I are committing to each other because we’re in love; I haven’t considered myself single since falling for him. Marriage is the official “end” of singledom according to the United States tax code, but I’m not really one to let the government how I’m supposed to live my life. What’s more is that I liked my life a lot of the time when I was single. I like my life more now because Kale is in it, obviously, but being a single woman wasn’t in and of itself terrible. It was dating  that sucked. I guess I could celebrate an end to that? In any case,  I don’t feel the need to mourn my single years in any sort of “last night of freedom!”  way.

I suppose most of my ambivalance comes from the fact I’m not a huge drinker or partier. Oh, I’ll tie when on when the opportunity presents itself. (See: Friday night, peach margaritas.) But I don’t really go looking for opportunities to get sauced because I get a lot more sensual pleasure from massages, tasty meals, sex and swimming. When my girl friends and I hang out, we do low-key activities like browse bookstores and see documentaries. Drinking, even drinking the fruity cocktails that I most enjoy, is pretty far down my list for “fun things to do.” A night on the town my girl friends and getting wasted to celebrate my love and commitment to Kale  would feel like forcing myself to celebrate in a way that isn’t natural. Same with any of the other off-the-beaten path bachelorette party ideas: going to an amusement park, seeing a baseball game, hiking. No, thanks, not for me!

But for Kale, a big blowout bachelor party is totally natural. He loves to drink and to dance and he’s a karaoke fiend; he’s an extrovert who will relish being the center of attention for the night. Planning and executing a bachelor party for him should be easy-peasy. And I’m excited for him! He’s going to have a blast and I’m happy he’s getting a big night out, which he wants to do to celebrate marriage to me.

Now I don’t want anyone to think I’m wedding grump, nor do I want to seem like I don’t like celebrations or presents. I’ll never say no to a present and I’m actually having a lot of fun planning a celebration party with Kale to be held the day after our City Hall ceremony. Yet a lot of friends and family have told me it’s fine if I/we don’t do a shower or a bachelorette party, but they’d like to know if they can give us a gift.  So, I’m thinking that maaaaaybe at some point before we get married in the bigger, more formal ceremony next year with our extended families, I will ask my girl friends to do a lingerie shower. It can be as low-key as I am, but still sexy and bridal and celebratory for everyone involved. Tequila shots and getting read your Miranda Rights by a weightlifter in a speedo can be fun for one night, but pretty lace corsets are forever!

Have you had or attended a non-traditional bachelorette party? Tell me about it in the comments.

[Image of drunk women via Shutterstock]

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