Out of every bright star in the overcrowded reality TV sky, I have to say that Angela “Big Ang” Raiola is my absolute favorite. I discovered Big Ang one afternoon, slumped on the couch after a very late night, scrolling thru the deep, dark corners of Hulu. Settling on Mob Wives, I was greeted with a vision. Who is this glorious creature before me? I thought. Those lips. That hair. Those giant boobs that can really only be described as “melons.” Big Ang, with a voice like crushing gravel, a body that is actually out of tis world and an aesthetic that is Janis from the Muppets meets Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny with a dash of early Kardashian, is a woman after my own heart.
She gets what she wants, she can laugh at herself and the world around her, and she loves a cocktail. In fact, the more I watched Mob Wives, the more I saw Ang and I really hitting it off. We’d chat, we’d flat-iron each other’s hair, she’d give me advice on how best to achieve natural looking Botox. It would be a gas. Imagine my delight when I discovered Ang was taking her schtick to South Beach and opening up a bar! Reader, I tell you — if I could hop on a plane to Miami right now and post up wtih Ang, I certainly would. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m taking a look at the invaluable life lessons Big Ang has taught me in the only form that does her justice — the GIF.
1. Water is for fish. Martinis are for Big Ang.
2. If you’re a mess, own it.
3. If your friends are acting like idiots, put your foot down and tell ‘em you’re too old for this shit.
4. Don’t take on other people’s problems. You’ve got Bloody Marys to drink.
5. You wanna wear a pink feather boa and nothing else? That’s your business.
6. Working out is important, but it’s not easy.
7. Big Ang is the boss.
8. Champagne is appropriate everywhere — even the beach.
9. If you’ve got big boobs, show ‘em off. Just make sure to stay steady and keep your balance so you don’t fall over.
10. What’s the meaning of life? Have fun and get whacked.