Be My Boyfriend: Steak Thief Who Dressed In A Cow Onesie

Dear Steak Thief,

I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesies are a common clothing item, you were “probably not intending to look like the beef [you] were stealing”. Wait, what?  It’s common for men to wear onesies in New Zealand? Maybe I should move there.

Anyhow, Steak Thief, I’m convinced that you and your two accomplices who pillaged the meat department and escaped in a getaway car meant to look like a heard of cattle. I can only hope that you are some sort of vegan radical and not a hardened criminal.  I don’t like red meat that much anyway. Salad sometime?


Ami Angelowicz