10 Easy Ways To Dump Someone According To “Community”‘s Gillian Jacobs
Breaking up is hard to do? Um, doesn’t have to be. Our girl Gillian Jacobs — who you probably recognize from her role on “Community,” and should check out in the upcoming films “Bad Milo” and “Hot Tub Time Machine 2″ — has come up with 10 easy ways to send your significant other packing. Pick whichever method is best for your situation, and PRESTO! The dirty work is done.
1. The Sweet & Sour: Bake your break up message into a cake. The sweetness of the treat will counteract the bitterness of the bad news. They’ll be on a sugar high and probably won’t really get upset for a few hours.
2. The Undercover: Tell them you’re entering the Witness Protection Program and have to break up with them for their own safety. If you ever run into them again, do not answer to your real name and pretend to have no idea who they are — FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.
3. The Aerial: Pricey, yet effective. Hire a plane to fly a banner with the message, “It’s Over, (insert name).” This requires some planning to guarantee they will see said banner but it has that high drama factor. It will make for great dinner party fodder as well.
4. The Songbird: Arrange for a night of karaoke. Pick a classic breakup song and work your partner’s name into the lyrics. For example: “I knew you were trouble when you walked in, BRIAN.” Belt it out and they’ll get the message, for sure.
5. The Electronic: “Accidentally” cc them on an email to your friend that includes a list of all the reasons you want to break up with them. Then “realize” your “mistake” and “apologize.” Luckily, the damage is already done and it should be a brief break up.
6. The Exhibitionist: Paint “Ya Dumped” on your body and streak through some place they’ll. If you’re really angry, I suggest their place of work. Family reunions, their favorite bar or simply your home could work too. Only for those in desperate need of attention in the midst of a break up. Perhaps all of us?
7. The Snail Mail: Go out of town and send them a postcard with your break up message. At first they’ll be excited to get something other than a bill in the mail and then they’ll be really, really bummed. Pick a romantic postcard for maximum “F You”-ness.
8. The Infantile: Have your parent or better yet grandparent call and say it’s over. Go ahead, regress a little! If your parent or grandparent hated your partner this may be kinda fun for them as well. If they liked your partner, it’s a chance for a tearful goodbye.
9. The Audio File: Call into a radio station and have them dedicate a song to your partner with the message “I never want to see you again!” Similar to the karaoke idea but ideal for those of us with terrible voices.
10. The Scream Therapy: Sit your partner down and scream “I hate you” until you lose your voice or they get the idea and leave. I imagine it would be a cathartic experience as well as being extremely direct and to the point. Extra point for gnashing of the teeth, beating of the chest or some good old fashioned keening.
Gillian Jacobs stars on “Community,” and appears in the upcoming films “Bad Milo” and “Hot Tub Time Machine 2,” not to mention the short film, “It’s Not Me, It’s You.” Follow her on Instagram and follow her on Twitter!
[Photo of plane banner via Shutterstock]