An Open Letter To Starbucks’ Salad Bowls

Dear Starbucks,

Damn you! You made me love you. I’ve been consciously resisting you since the late ’90s, when your chains starting popping up everywhere, putting my favorite high school coffee shop — Seattle Espresso — out of business. At first, I hated you on principle. I was young and idealistic and my favorite movie was “Reality Bites.” Then I got older and just hated you because your coffee sucks. Sorry, Jessica. Don’t get mad. I was a barista on and off in my late teens and early twenties. I know what a shot of fresh-ground, well-pressed espresso should taste like. I’m just gonna say it, Starbucks: your espresso tastes like burnt poop. (Full disclosure: I admit to, in times of extreme caffeine deprivation or desperation, drinking Starbucks. But this is only in extreme cases or when my dad takes me there because he loves your coffee.)

My half-hearted Starbucks boycott ended this weekend when I was starving and popped into one of your stores for a snack. I was thinking I would get a Kind bar to hold me over until I found something acceptable to eat and there they were staring up at me, looking all sexy, begging to be tasted. Your salad bowls. Hearty veggie and brown rice, zesty chicken and black bean and chicken and greens caesar salad bowl.

Their healthful ingredients and innovative taste combos melted my cold heart and activated my Pavlovian hunger response. Impulsively, I bought a hearty veggie with butternut squash, beets, kale, red cabbage, broccoli, peas and lemon tahini dressing. I liked it so much that I went back for dinner and got the chicken caesar salad bowl, which I was pleased to see included kale! Fuck yes! Kale! Then I went back for lunch the next day and got the zesty chicken and black bean. I blushed when I discovered it had quinoa instead of rice. Starbucks, you dark master! You know how to woo me! You’ve got me coming back every day now, like One Direction obsessed tween. I am smitten with your salads the way you always intended me to be with your coffee. The first step is admitting I am powerless. So, hell yes! I’m planning to go there for lunch! Salad Bowls 4EVA.

I’m Yours,

Ami Angelowicz