What can we tell you about Thor Lund, author of the missive “What I Learned About Women”? For starters, his name is Thor Lund (here’s his Facebook page). He’s the former student government president at the University of Texas-Austin (pictured above) and a current student there. And his name is Thor. And he thinks he knows a lot about ladiiiiiiez. So much so that he wrote 5,127 (!) words about ladies on his personal blog, ThorLund724 (which is a bit Entertainment 720 if you ask me). The post went up yesterday — and was written about by Daily Texan Online — but was taken down in the last few hours because, according to Thor in the replacement text, “it cost me one of my very close friendships.” Luckily, we snagged the text before it was removed (here it is cached)! After the jump, Thor tells you exactly how women work.
1. Get a woman naked and she won’t lie to you: “And if you can fool her into having sex with you, she will be honest. “Th [sic] thing I love most about women and trying to convince them to kiss me is that at the core of it, if you can get a girl over to your place and somehow manage to have her take her clothes off, she will be truthful with you.”
2. But most of the time, don’t trust them! They lie! “Girls are lying all day long. They lie about their feelings, their weight, how much cardio they did, and what they think of their best friend’s oversized purse.”
3. Promise a girl a sandwich, but don’t deliver. It’s the promise that counts: “You want a real beautiful and complex female counterpart to trust you and think of you as their friend. That is why even though half the girls I’ve been with hate my guts and think I’m a sleazy asshole, they still talk to me when I call them, they still laugh at my jokes, and they still remember the brief time we shared, even if it was only thirty seconds before I barfed all over them. I bet even the most psycho chick I ever was with, who plotted to denounce me in front of the student government assembly, still remembers the time we watched shawshank redemption together and then I took her for crepes the next day. If you are reading this I know you remember those crepes! and then you made fun of me because I was petting all the dogs in the food truck park, but for at least a couple hours you enjoyed life and even though I never did buy you that sandwich you wanted, some day you will tell your kids “I dated the U.S President when he was 21.” …. just kidding i’m not running for U.S. President, and we were not dating!”
4. Snakes have hands*: “Women have evolved over millions of years to be able to pick out the snakes from the lovers and protectors.Eve was pretty crappy at distinguishing the two. She ate from the snake’s hand. Humanity suffered as a result, but we have evolved and now women can smell snakes from a mile away.”
5. If a woman has dirty feet, she will have a dirty vagina: “Because the toes tell all. If her feet are pretty and her nails are painted then you can assume the rest of her body is well groomed and cleaned. If she has gross feet, then chances are she has gross you know what and you will want to avoid that at all costs.”
6. Neg the shit out of the ones you like: “So the best way to think about women and how to get them to be attracted to you is to do the exact opposite of what you think. If you really like her, tell her you can’t stand her. If you think she is pretty, make fun of her oversized purse and ask her if she keeps a parachute inside it. If she is the nicest girl you’ve ever met, tell her that you don’t like it that she is so mean to young children. Seriously its so simple, do the opposite.”
7. And don’t ever treat a girl like she’s special: “When you start treating one girl like she is special you will lose her. Women are special as a whole, but individually they are not, except for your sisters and mom and wife. Those ones are special. But regular girls at college and the bars, they aren’t special. Newsflash for everyone who is so in love with the first girl they met. I can find one hundred million girls that look just like her but speak two languages. They live in Europe and they can cook way better than your so called perfect woman.”
8. Find a girl with a boat: “I met a girl just this summer. She is incredible, definite girlfriend material. She is smart, ambitious, religious, comes from a very good family, she is innocent, she laughs at my joke, she has the body of a goddess, and she has a boat!!”
9. Find a girl with a boat and daddy issues: “I only want to talk about myself but I have learned how to include others in conversation and what I am doing, and I find the girls with daddy issues and for a couple hours give them the attention that their father never did.”
10. Women are deeply, naturally attracted to guys named Thor, so you should change your name to Thor: “I’m lucky in that all I have to do is say “My name is Thor” and she usually recognizes that I was SG President, and if she doesn’t one of my friends will be a good wingman and jump in and be like ‘Don’t you know Thor? He was the president.’”
11. Women are easily confused, so confuse them! “If you can confuse their brain, then they will go home with you.”
12. But don’t text them: “DON’T TEXT GIRLS! They don’t care what you are doing, and they don’t want you to ask them about their day. Seriously, they have girlfriends for all that. You don’t really care, you just want to sleep with them. I only text girls that I hook up with two things ‘DT?’ or ‘coming over tonight?’ Thats it. I don’t want to know what they had for lunch or what they thought about the Justin Bieber movie, that is the nice clingy guys job to find all that out. I just want to know if she is going to spend the night, or if I need to text someone else for that.”
13. And remember, none of them are as good as your mom: “The single greatest feeling in the whole world is making your mother proud.”
I’m sure your mom is super proud Thor Lund. Super proud.
*Not a tip on getting ladies, per se, but an interesting science fact we were previously unaware of.