Exes, right? They’re all oozing out of the ground like primordial sludge when you date them, and then suddenly, after you break up, they become fully functioning human beings! How does that work? If you, like me, have a few exes that you met while they were clawing their way up into real-personhood, you’re probably amazed by some of the changes they’ve gone through since you guys were together. Was your time with them in any way responsible for their radical transformation? Have they progressed? Regressed? Become totally awesome or incredible shits? After the jump, we catalog some of the ways our exes got their lives together after, much after, we broke up.
1. Retired a millionaire at age 34, got married and traveled around the world eating at Michelin restaurants in every country.
2. He got married, got a dog and bought a house. He was a struggling musician when we were together.
3. Learned how to bake and now makes pecan pies every weekend, even though he never cooked once for me.
4. He got a dog and is now responsible for it when he couldn’t even wipe his own butt before.
5. He and his new girlfriend went to Hawaii. I might have stalked the entire trip over Instagram.
6. He learned how to cook for his new girlfriend, but while we were dating he only ate family-size bags of BBQ chips, fast food, and ice tea cooler.
7. Married the woman he left me for and bought a house in Brooklyn. Womp womp.
8. She became a competitive fitness model.
9. He convinced me to eat meat while we were together and then became a huge vegetarian / vegan cook!
10. He took up cycling after we broke up and started doing 100 mile bike rides every single weekend. While wearing spandex.
11. My ex left me when I was pregnant with OUR son because he didn’t want kids, and now he’s a stepdad to three kids that aren’t his. Does that count? [ED NOTE: Hell yes, it counts!]
12. He bought a motorcycle.
13. She got a job.