Dear I’m Too Kind To Use Your Real Name,
I am writing this letter because I’m hoping I can prevent you from ever sending another unsolicited picture of your naked penis to another human being again for the rest of your life. When I clicked on an email in my inbox with the subject line “need some advice,” I wasn’t expecting to see FOUR pictures of a stranger’s penis. I get a fair number of emails from readers and sometimes they want advice (not that I’m qualified to give any), and so I had no reason to believe that your email would be so wildly inappropriate.
In your email, you asked me for advice about products to make your penis larger. You complained that it’s “quite short” and “very skinny” and that when it gets erect it only gets slightly bigger and not much thicker. And then, anonymous dick pic sender, you gave me measurements. Measurements! I mean, really?
After I picked my jaw up off the floor — I didn’t want my face to remain in Exasperated Snarl Expression for the rest of my life — my attention was drawn to perhaps the most puzzling line in your email: ” I was going to send you pictures of when I have an erection but it is quite embarrassing,” you wrote.
Come again? Please explain to me how sending pictures of your limp penis — four of them, taken from various angles — is less embarrassing than sending pictures of your erect penis. No, actually, never mind. I don’t want to know.
What I want to say to you, dick pic sender, is this: I have no wish to shame someone who is insecure about the size of his penis. I support all people in their quest to accept their bodies as they are. But, I refuse to comment on whether or not I think your penis is small or skinny, because that would be validating what you did. I do, however, feel fine about shaming you for sending me — a stranger — not your significant other or your therapist or your doctor — unsolicited pictures of your naked penis.
You want advice? I have some advice for you. Dic pic sender, what you did is not OK. It’s virtual harassment. Someone has to ASK for pictures of your penis. If they don’t ASK, or don’t agree to receive them, you should not send them. That’s the only rule you need to understand about dick pics. If you are a real person and not some porn spam conglomerate, I recommend you seek help in understanding not why you’re unsatisfied with your penis, but why you lack a sense of appropriateness when it comes to sending pictures of your junk to women you do not know. That is all, sir. Please never contact me again.
[Photo from Shutterstock]