An Inner Monologue While Cramming For A Final

OK, I’ve waited til the last possible minute to start studying, but I think I should still be good. I mean, yeah, I could have started studying yesterday, or the day before, or anytime really in the past three months, but helllooooo, there were parties to attend and volleyball to play and late night cookies to bake and 5 seasons of “Breaking Bad” to rewatch. These things are also an important part of my college experience. It’s not like I can just study all the time. Sometimes I feel like my professors don’t understand the school/life balance.

Anyway, now it’s time to crack the books and ace this thing. It’s 10 p.m., which means I have a solid 9 hours until my 7AM test. I’ll just skip sleeping tonight and crash tomorrow. This is doable. I have an assortment of brand new highlighters. I have a fridge full of Red Bull and a fresh bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups. I’ve got this. I’ll start with a general review of the material and then move on to some more specific memorization and review. This shouldn’t be too hard. I was there for at least 40 percent of the lectures, so I should have retained most of the content anyway.

Wait…is this textbook even for the right class? I don’t recognize any of this. Is this a prank? I need a peanut butter cup. Life always seems a little overwhelming when I’m not eating a peanut butter cup.

Peanut butter cup not helping. Oh God, why didn’t I start studying sooner? There’s no way I can learn all of this in 9 hours. No. Must not give up. Must do my best. One page at a time. Deep breath. BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? What is an operationalized binary variable? What kind of sadist came up with these terrible words?! I should have gone to work on an Alaskan crab boat like that guy I knew in high school. He had the right idea all along. Could I still go do that? No, I’m scared of the water and crabs and I have a low tolerance for cold temperatures. I guess I need to stick with this college thing.

Great, now my neighbors are having loud sex. Who has sex during finals week? Did these people really get all their studying done already and are feeling so confident about their academic prospects that they’re having a celebratory romp? Or are they trying to relieve the stress of an impending math final? Maybe that would help me too. Should I buzz one out? No, no, must not revert to basic human impulses. Must rise above it and focus on the task at hand.

Damn, I’m tired. Like, seriously tired. You know what might help me do my best on this test? A good night’s sleep. Yeah. I deserve it. I’m just gonna put this book aside for now and take a nice, long nap. This test won’t stand a chance against my fully rested mind.

[Photo of stressed out student via Shutterstock]