It’s been brought to my attention by the couple conspicuously making out on Julie’s subway, the now infamous Lollapalooza finger banging pair (pictured above) and the viral video of the week which features a kid in the park standing nearby while his parents fuck that some couples don’t know what’s socially acceptable when it comes to PDA. Actually, it hasn’t just been brought to my attention. I’ve known this for a long time — since my first job as a hostess at Chili’s when I found two people doing it on booth. My reaction was to start crying. I was 16, so I forgive myself for that reaction. That was 20 years ago, so this compendium has truly been a long time in the making. But — deep breath — I can avoid it no longer. Below are some guidelines for displaying affection in public so that it’s not gross/weird/annoying to others.
1. Don’t be so focused on intertwining with each other that you’re inconveniencing everyone around you — I’m talking to you, couples who refuse to unlink their hands on narrow sidewalks. Your love isn’t so all consuming that it should clog a walkway.
2. Pecks on the lips or cheeks are acceptable as long as they are not excessive. Kissing up and down, say, an arm or a neck, would be considered excessive, and also may result in a hickey.
3. Kisses with tongue should last no more than five seconds and should be chaste enough for a PG-rated movie.
4. Kisses with tongue that longer than five seconds and include an exchange of saliva are considered making out. It’s not recommended to do that unless there is no one else around. I extend a pass to couples on a date having their first kiss. L’chaim! But still, try to keep it brief, young lovers.
5. A quick butt pat is OK, a pervy butt squeezing/feel up is not. Technically, a hand in a back pocket is not offensive, just annoying. So, please don’t.
6. Lips/tongue shouldn’t touch any area that should be covered by fabric. Diplomatically, put: stay reasonably covered in public.
7. And speaking of staying covered…YOUR CLOTHES SHOULD STAY ON. That includes undergarments. No unbuttoning of pants or unhooking of bras.
8. And speaking even more of staying covered…never expose pubic hair or skin near the pubic region as the Lollapalooza finger bangers did. But my God, they broke so many rules. And the fact that they did it during the Dog Blood concert somehow makes it even more offensive.
9. If you find yourself with boner, move to a non-public location immediately.
10. Grinding or any sort of sex simulation is strictly prohibited. Come on, you know that.
2nd, 3rd Or 4th Base:
11. No boobs, nipples, penises or vaginas. No touching boobs, nipples, penises or vaginas, no licking/sucking of boobs, nipples, penises or vaginas. Penetration is absolutely forbidden. DUH.
12. If you’ve followed all the rules above, you shouldn’t have to worry about bodily fluids because there shouldn’t be any. EVER.
13. If you’re moaning, groaning or breathing heavy, you’re doing PDA wrong.
14. It’s safest just to do your sex/love/heavy petting/affection business in the privacy of your own home, but if you MUST do it in public, try to take care not to do it while others are around. Should you find yourself interrupted by another person or persons (pray to God it’s not your kid as in the case of that disturbing viral video), common decency dictates that you will stop whatever face sucking, copulatory thing that you’re doing ASAP. At least the couple fucking on the booth at Chili’s had the good sense to stop when I started crying. And I’ll always appreciate them for that.
If I missed anything, please add any additional PDA rules in the comments.