Your college roommate can be your best friend or your most terrible, smelly nightmare. Colleges are supposed to hook you up with roommates you’ll at least be able to marginally get along with, but often it doesn’t exactly work out that way. I’m not sure exactly what I filled out on my freshman roommate form, but the person I ended up couldn’t have been further from me: A science major into sports. I went to bed early, she stayed up late (and often passed out in her soccer gear.) We made it through the year, but not without some fighting and some tears — and some visits from her very eccentric boyfriend from home.
I’m sure I was no peach to live with, either. She probably hated my band posters and weird art projects, and that I was constantly listening to mopey emo music. Could our dismal freshman roommate experience have been avoided? Possibly. Had we had a more comprehensive roommate questionnaire, perhaps there would have been a shocking red flag, warning our dorm room administrators that the two of us were a terrible match.
I mean, do college roommate questionnaires ask about the things you actually want to know about the person you’re going to spend the next nine months with? If they did, we think the form would look something like this (all based on our personal roommate experience)…
- Do you leave the room for reasons that are not class ever?
- Do you have a “boyfriend from home” who may or may not actually exist but with whom you spend hours on the computer chatting?
- When you get home in the middle of the night and I’m asleep, will you quietly get ready for bed like a normal person, or will you turn on all the lights and JUMP ON MY BACK?
- Which tech gadget of yours breaks all the time so you’re going to want to borrow mine?
- What is your opinion on eating other people’s snacks?
- Do you share your drugs?
- Are you going to sell drugs out of our dorm room?
- Are you going to sleep cradling your bong?
- Do you steal pads and tampons?
- Do you understand what “inside voice” is?
- Do you talk/walk/scream in your sleep?
- What’s the earliest you’ll be waking up and making noise on weekend mornings?
- Do you currently own or plan on purchasing a large vat of grape flavor crystals? Grape flavor crystals that could be used, according to the instructions on the back of the vat, as a grape soda sweetener or as a turkey marinade?
- Would you describe your decorating style as “Large Bob Marley Tapestry”?
- Will you invite half of the football team over to do mushrooms when I have a final the next day?
- When the inspiration strikes in the middle of the night, will you turn on all the lights and start painting?
- When you look over your essays, do you read them in your head, or do you creepily whisper them out loud?
- Will you suddenly discover the song, “I Touch Myself” and play it over and over and… over again?
- Are you a total baby when it comes to common bodily fluids and functions?
- Do you own headphones and are you comfortable with wearing them when you listen to Justin Bieber?
- Do you clean your bathroom at home?
- Have you ever confused WD-40 with a personal grooming product?
- How often will you wash your sheets? Your bath towels? Yourself?
- Are you a hoarder?
- No really, are you a hoarder?
- Are you a sex addict?
- How often is your out of town boyfriend/girlfriend coming in? Will you be giving more than a day’s notice?Where are you expecting me to sleep when sexiled?
- Are you satisfied to have sex in your own bed, or will mine prove irresistible?
- Are you now or will you in the future, have a torrid and inappropriate affair with a professor or graduate TA?
- How frequently will you be bringing strangers and random cab drivers home to have sex with them?
- How frequently are you going to put a sock on the door because you’re getting it on/masturbating?
- Are you scared of the opposite sex?
What questions do you wish you’d had the chance to ask your perspective college roommates? Share with us in the comments!