When I read the Thought Catalog post “20 Fictional Men I Would Never Sleep With,” I thought Chloe Angyal was on to something. So many pop culture icons are glorified as romantic figures, but in real life would be completely undateable. Rhett Butler was a rapist. Romeo was only 13. And Edward Cullen from “Twilight” … well, do I really need to rehash that one?
It got me thinking about 20 fictional ladies that I would never want to sleep with …
1. Snow White. Potentially troubling racial politics. Mother issues. Possible cult member.
2. Dagny Taggart from “Atlas Shrugged.” Smoker. Masochist. Grandiosity issues. Crazyass boyfriend. Politics to the right of Paul Ryan.
3. Melanie Hamilton from “Gone Woith The Wind.” Boring bottom.
4. Tara Thornton from “True Blood.” Vampires are a no-no for those of us who tend to rely on our partners to retain heat in bed during the winter months.
5. Lady of Shallot. Totally hung up on Lancelot.
6. Lily Briscoe from To The Lighthouse. Totally hung up on Mrs. Ramsay.
7. Ophelia. Totally hung up on Hamlet. Also prone to going off of her meds.
8. Lisa Simpson. Yes to brilliant Buddhist feminist vegetarian baritone sax players. No if they’re perennially eight years old.
9. Wonder Woman. At the risk of TMI, just not into bondage.
10. Jo March. A potential butch-on-butch disaster in the making.
11. Nan Bobbsey. No, your twin cannot watch.
12. Pussy Galore. You need me to explain this one? Seriously?
13. Sévérine. Because Daniel Craig’s Bond is, hands down, the most beautiful woman in “Skyfall.”
14. Salome. Make no mistake: any lover with a heads-on-platters-thing will eventually ask for yours.
15. Violet from “Bound.” That rule about not living in apartments formerly occupied by drug dealers? Same goes for not messing with women who formerly dated mobsters.
16. Detective Sergeant Sam Murray from “Lip Service.” Joyless. Irony deficient. Insists on having sex sitting up on unpadded wooden floors.
17. Emma Woodhouse from Emma. High maintenance. Wants to keep living with hypochondriac dad after marriage. Has a thing for younger “protégés.”
18. Dr. Sydney Krukowski from Dykes To Watch Out For. A walking woody killer for those of us who attended graduate school during the late 20th century, and still break into hives when those around us overuse terms like “heteronormativity.”
19. The protagonist from Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl.” Doing it because you’re lit? Worrying what your boyfriend will think? Liking it because she tastes like “cherry Chapstick”? Fuck off, straight girl.
20, Kalinda Sharma from “The Good Wife.” Attachment issues. Drinks too much. Tends to use sex strategically. No qualms about reading or photographing your diary and your checkbook while you’re in the shower — or shtupping your ex (or current). Plays into the orientalist trope of the unknowable Other. Wears ridiculous thigh-high skirts and tight blouses. Super smart and demonstrates great prowess when it comes to discovering other people’s secrets. Would literally kill to protect someone she loved. And then there’s the episode where she beat in some guy’s car windows with a baseball bat.
On second thought…
Nancy Goldstein usually writes serious political stuff, so she’s delighted for this opportunity to debut in the Frisky, talk about sex, and possibly meet some nice girls. Follow her on Twitter.