True Story: Discovering My Love Of Audio Porn

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True Story: Discovering My Love Of Audio Porn

Having eschewed my former maneater ways, I decided that perhaps celibacy (or “manstinence” as I prefer to call it) was the key to rediscovering my focus on the more important arenas of my life. Yet, I was left with a quandary. You see, I really like sex. And I really like having it on a very regular basis. But since I’d decided that I would bring no one else to my bed, I was left with me, my imagination, and a very expensive collection of sex toys.

Now, at the start of my period of manstinence, this plan worked. And when I say “at the start,” I mean the first week. Then shit got really boring, really fast. Even my dirtiest, most involved fantasies of me and Clive Owen meeting up with Ryan Reynolds weren’t quite working for me anymore. I even threw in some hefty doses of Jason Momoa and the one hot guy from my office, and still, I was boring myself.

One night, horny, dissatisfied and probably ovulating, it occurred to me to look for audio tracks of other people having sex. I remembered that dirty, voyeuristic feeling that hearing other people doing it gave me, and I decided to do a quick Google search. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy audio porn was to access—even iTunes had soundtracks of porn movies, and some quasi-amateur sex tracks as well. I eagerly downloaded the ones that suited my needs, and for a while, I was back in happy, satisfying masturbation-land.

Though, after a few months, the tracks I’d once enjoyed so much were starting to depress me a little, as they clearly represented two people having sex with each other and enjoying it immensely, and here was my sad, sorry, celibate ass just listening in and trying to get off. I needed something else, something more personal. I needed a virtual audio lover to say all the filthy, naughty things I was tired of imagining Clive Owen whispering in my ear. And because it had been so easy before, I assumed it would be easy to find something tailored to my needs. Once again, I turned to Google.

Google is a God in the internet age: it knows what you want before you even finish typing, and gives it to you readily, often in hundreds of ways. And that’s where I fell short: I didn’t know what search words to use. I tried at first to just use “audio porn,” but that only yielded a crop of music-related themes, which I was definitely not looking for. Then I tried various permutations of “audio” with “porn,” “erotica,” and finally, in a moment of pure frustration, “men talking dirty audio tracks.”And wouldn’t you know, Google provided.

Eager, and I’ll admit it, more than a little desperate at this point, I found a site that boasted “instant gratification and sensual satisfaction.” It seemed like exactly the thing I was looking for. I read through the sales pitch, and quickly advanced to the sample section. The site has about a dozen “scenarios” for sale, with titles from “Dark Spanking Punishment” (mild intruder/rape scene) to “Anal At Lunch” (surprise anal while you’re making sandwiches at the counter). Really, I couldn’t make this shit up. A little deterred, but still desperate enough to investigate, I listened to not one, but three sample tracks. The guy doing the voiceover on the first track had this lispy, overdramatic voice that reminded me of a guy in high school who wrote me poems about “dogs licking the juices from my leg.” Major creeper vibe there. Much to my dismay, the same fucking guy read all of the scripts. Let’s just say, if I wasn’t already horny enough to kill a goat, I would have abandoned my search forever.

But luckily, I soon found the site I was looking for. It had multiple tracks submitted by various users, and a dubious web-designer (think late ’90s message board), but I quickly found tracks recorded by a hot-sounding Irish man going by the name of “Gael.” He had only recorded a few, and the scenarios were pretty trite, but just the sound of his voice and his realistic moans and sharp intakes of breath were enough to work for me. He actually sounded like he was enjoying the whole thing, and even screwed up a few words here and there to make it very realistic. I had never before considered the term “cum slut” a turn on until I heard “Gael” moan it sweetly to me over my earbuds.

So for now, it’s me, Gael, and a multi-speed vibrator with a “surprise” button to keep me satisfied. But eventually, I know even Gael will bore me. Then I will want some other man’s recorded voice in my ear, groaning dirty,sweet nothings and affectionately debasing me while I get myself off. I already know this will be hard to find, proper search parameters or not. Which makes me think: with all this free time I have now that I’m celibate, I really should be seeking out some men, who have really sexy radio voices, and aren’t shy about reading off a script and making it feel really authentic in the process. This manstinence thing is turning out to be more work than I thought.

[Photo from Shutterstock]

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