Dear Ian Jett, Subway sandwich artist in Columbus, Ohio,
Look, I get it. You don’t like your job. Sometimes when we’re bored at work, we have this overpowering desire to whip out our genitals and rub it all over things. It’s totally understandable.
But why did you have to be so dumb to let someone take a picture of it and post it on Instagram under your real name?
You see, Ian, you let someone snap a picture of your dick up against a roll of Subway bread. You work at Subway. There is no way this was going to end well. And no, I do not believe your bullshit story about how you did that “at home — this isn’t something I’d ever do at Subway.” Is that supposed to make us feel better? You only rub your penis on sandwich bread at home, not at your place of work? Okay, thanks, I feel really relieved now. Not.
Anyway, your “friend” Cameron Boggs posted your dick pic online with the caption, “My name is @ianjett and I will be your sandwich artist today.” Even though he was smart enough to later delete the photo, someone had already screen grabbed images your weiner. That person also screen grabbed a photograph allegedly depicting a water bottle filled with Boggs’ urine, captioned, “Today at work I froze my pee.” Sounds like you two were reaallly busy.
Look, I could never fault you for being uninspired by your life’s work, given that it’s sandwich making. A man like you clearly needs more stimulation. But I’m sorry, I just can’t see myself with a guy who doesn’t have the foresight to know what is going to happen when his pee-freezing friend snap pictures of his penis languishing on company bread products.
And for that reason, we’re breaking up.
It’s been real,
Follow me on Twitter. Email me at Jessica@TheFrisky.com.