How NOT To Be A Tool On Social Media
Allow me to introduce myself! I’m Katie Oldenburg, the new Social Media Manager for The Frisky, where I’ll serve as your go-to for all Frisky-related things on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. You name it, I’m your gal.
This being my area of expertise, I’ve compiled a list of things you DON’T want to do on social media because if you want to avoid pissing people off and losing friends. Maybe even family members. Click onward for some social media DON’TS along with better alternatives.
1. DON’T: Be A Negative Nancy. “I hate being lonely, and what’s even worse is being reminded of it.” That is a real example of one of my Facebook friends’ many recent complaints. I don’t want to hear about how your life is going down the shitter because you’re single at 28 and you have a questionable rash. There are support groups for that crap. I’m here to “like” things and poke you.
DO: Mention your crappy day and encourage your FB friends to send you inappropriate jokes and sexy photos of Channing Tatum for all to enjoy.
2. DON’T: Overshare. There’s a fine line between providing details and TMI. Have a funny date story? Spare us the novel. Character limits exist for a reason. Your kid is finally potty trained? For the love of God, a photo of anything floating in the toilet is completely unnecessary.
DO: Share the exciting part and forgo the details. For example, mention that you were happy to have the family together for a joyous occasion, and maybe even post a happy photo. Do not narrate a play-by-play of the Bris. Buzz kill.
3. DON’T: Rant And Rave. A friend of mine recently went on a looong Facebook rant about how people need to stop bitching about not being invited to his birthday shindig. 1) Angry rants remind me of Justin Bieber (who is a little shit), and 2) these types of posts just result in everyone wondering who pissed in your cereal that morning.
DO: Hire a therapist or call your mom.
4. DON’T: Over-Post. What would happen if every time you turned around or woke up from a deep sleep someone was three inches from your face grinning like a moron? You would want to punch that person. That’s the way people feel when you tweet and post dozens of status updates a day. Don’t you have anything else to do?
DO: Limit your updates. By being more selective about what you choose to share, people will pay more attention.
5. DON’T: Be A Hashtag Whore. #Hashtagging #Everything #Is #Not #Only #Annoying #To #Look #At #But #It #Makes #You #Look #Like #A #Desperate #Attention #Seeker #With #No #Friends. #Fact.
DO: Use hashtags selectively when they make sense. Don’t just add a bunch of them to your post so it shows up more in search. #HashtagFail #TwitterProblems. See what I did there?
6. DON’T: Be Cryptic. What I like to call “Vaguebooking,” this should be a crime punishable by the law. If you’re going to say something for all to see, don’t pussyfoot around it. For example, this status is unacceptable: “I think that was a poor decision and now I’m wondering if it was worth it.” WHAT was a poor decision? This ain’t Hangman. Don’t make us guess.
DO: Be specific or don’t post. Were you talking about having a bad burrito? Dick pic snapchatting your mom? Do tell … or don’t at all.
7. DON’T: Toot Your Own Horn. It’s one thing to share good news, but constantly bragging about yourself is douchey. If you frequently hashtag #BeastMode or #BowDown, you are likely an offender. This behavior leads us to wonder what, exactly, you’re compensating for…
DO: Allow other people to pat you on the back when you deserve it. More people will want to date you and less will think you’re an ass.
8. DON’T: Get Too Political. Okay, so you can venture into no-man’s land if you’re willing to jeopardize friendships, but political debates usually start feuds, which turn into lots of long comments, which take up my newsfeed. We’ve already discussed oversharing and overposting. The cycle continues.
Instead: Stay away from major controversial issues. If you’re going to pin two things against each other, make it fun for all. (i.e. Who would win in a battle : Cap’n Crunch or Tony the Tiger? Debate!)
9. DON’T: Swarm Us With Selfies. For the love of all things happy and gay, stop posting so many freakin’ selfies. Your duck face is going to look the same today as it did yesterday and every other godforsaken day before that. Also, the angle makes you look like a Bratz Doll.
DO: Share photos of things that are actually appealing a.k.a. not your big ass head. New pair of killer shoes? Go ahead and post ‘em. Precious snapshot from your girls’ night out? Let’s see it. Manscaped your chest hair into the shape of a palm tree? Don’t mind if I do!
If you find yourself guilty of these social media crimes, just stop. Simple as that. Hakuna Matata. Let me know if there are any offenders I missed!