If you’re like us, you’ve had a Facebook profile for years and have somehow accrued hundreds and hundreds of “friends.” Maybe you only see about 20 of them in real life. So what? You feel connected to all of these people’s lives, even if you can’t remember who they are anymore. Facebook friends can be confusing, so let us help simplify them for you. Here are the 14 types of Facebook friends that everybody has…
1. The woman who really, really, really loves her boyfriend. Does she have friends and family? Why do I have to go back 20 profile pictures to see you without your boyfriend? We get it, you’re in a relationship.
2. The partier. This person is constantly drunk … at least when pictures are being taken. She’s always tagging herself at different clubs with her friends who look and dress exactly like she does. She takes about 50 pictures in one night to make sure everyone’s head is angled the right way and skinny arms are in attendance. There are even a few sloppy candids thrown in to drive the point home that she was just sooo drunk.
3. The outdoorsy one. There isn’t a mountain out there that this person doesn’t want to climb. His or her profile pictures are all backlit by a sunset, or feature them bundled up in ski gear, or you guessed it, on top of a mountain. Bandanas are usually present.
4. The total stranger. Was this someone you accepted when you were new to Facebook and were desperate for friends? Was he in your 10th grade biology class? Why are you reading about him congratulating his sister on getting into college? Duke? Good for her.
5. The “I’m feeling” status user. You know that new feature where you can say how you’re “feeling” in your status? These people are all up on that, making everyone uncomfortable … so many sad faces!
6. The cutesy poster. We get it: your kids and dogs are cute. Every time they blink, eat, or take a shit is literally the cutest thing ever in life. PLEASE keep photos of these priceless moments coming. I can’t live without getting constant updates on your dog’s new napping position.
7. The world traveler. Weren’t you just in Vienna yesterday? How are you already posting pictures from Tokyo. Slow down. What are you even doing anyway? How does one vacation for a living? Seriously, I want to know so I can copy you.
8. The person who makes you feel better about your own life. Pour one out for the not-very-ambitious people you left behind in high school who just got less and less interesting as time went by. They’re still playing ping pong in their parent’s basement every week, making your own normally boring routine seem pretty damn exciting.
9. The person who makes you feel worse about your own life. She 500 likes on her profile picture with her model-esque boyfriend on some exotic beach. And shit, she even went to Columbia. Is that a photo of her sitting front row at Beyonce? Ugh. Even though every click of her picturesque life digs you an even deeper pit of envious despair, your mouse can’t stop clicking.
10. The witty one. This person is actually pretty funny. If you’re scrolling down your newsfeed and you see their name, you usually pause and read their status because not only will it make you laugh, it will renew your faith in humanity. Until you read …
11. The know-it-all. This person loooves posting polarizing articles from The New York Times or Wall Street Journal and giving smug commentary like they were the ones who wrote it. Please.
12. The Buzzfeed-er. This person posts Buzzfeed articles on her friends’ walls all day and finds every list they make to be sooo true. Especially #6 and #13. OMG.
13. The complainer. The whining is constant. Like George Costanza, things like “getting stuck in traffic” only happen to him.
14. The deserter. This person has given up on Facebook. He never posts, he’s never changed a privacy setting, and he doesn’t even thank people for their birthday posts. You’re not entirely sure he is still alive, although you know he is because your mom saw his mom at the grocery store the other day and is happy to report he’s doing well. He doesn’t give a shit about Facebook, and, sadly we wish we could say the same.