Did you watch the Ian Ziering-helmed SyFy ridiculousness that is “SharkNado” last night? Because I did! And it was … amazing! And … informative! And I think I might be ready to pursue a career as a meteoranimalogist (that’s the guy who predicts the next and latest combo-predatory animal/extreme weather). For anybody who for some stupid reason missed “SharkNado,” here’s what it’s about: The oceans flood, biblical-style, off the cost of Santa Monica, and the sharks are pissed! At the same time, a triple tornado strikes the city of Los Angeles. This creates a literal perfect storm of extreme weather and shark attacks. The movie stars Tara Reid, Ian Ziering and John Heard (who, OMG, what happened to you, dad from “Home Alone”?). It is predictably terrible, but I learned many things, like…
1. How do you thwart a raging SharkNado? Throw some bombs in it. According to “SharkNado,” the best way to disarm a tornado with sharks in it is to throw some bombs up in that bitch. According to Ian Ziering sidekick Baz, who is vaguely Australian and 100 percent not a scientist, the bombs will separate the warm air at the bottom from the cold air at the top, stopping the SharkNado in its tracks. Physics, you guys!
2. Yes, you can jump in the mouth of a shark and then chainsaw your way out. Exhibit A: Ian Ziering, chainsaw in hand, jumps head first into the mouth of a comically over-sized shark.
Exhibit B: Ian Ziering cutting his way out of the belly of the shark. This is also, we imagine, what it looks like to give birth to Ian Ziering.
3. Tara Reid is a really good actress. Just kidding! Tara Reid is a terrible actress! Here is Tara Reid responding to a variety of stimuli:
4. Tara Reid is no longer a hard-partying teenager. She is, according to “SharkNado,” old enough to have a 32-year-old son. Witness:
5. The hoodie-flannel fashion combination never dies. This is the optimal outfit for killing sharks.
6. The best way to get a shark out of your house is to push it, push it real good. There’s a shark in Ian Ziering’s ex-wife’s house! How do you get that shark out? You push that shark out — which is not at all a euphemism for what Ian Ziering does in the bathroom in his private time.