Dear Kenneth Webster Enlow,
Now, I do love a man who goes after what he wants. Initiative is hot! Motivation is sexy! The problem, though, is that you wanted to be a peeping tom inside a septic tank in the women’s restroom at a public park.
You climbed into the septic tank at White Water Park and stood inside with your head and shoulders peeking out of the toilet. How long were you in there staring up at girls and women while they shat on you? No one knows. But when you were caught by a mother and her seven-year-old daughter, looking up from inside the shitcan, you stood your ground. You kept hiding in that cesspool for 15 minutes until the park rangers came! When you emerged from the septic tank covered in feces, you needed to be hosed off by the local fire department. Talk about indignifying!
I am impressed at your resolve, however. “One witness said Enlow must have had to work pretty hard to get himself into the septic tank,” according to Oklahoma’s local news. That took effort! But you didn’t put nearly as much thought into your bullshit excuse for police about being a sexual predator. The line you fed police was that your girlfriend “Angel” (who is she?!?!) hit you over the head with a tire iron and dumped you in the toilet 30 minutes prior. Come onnnnn.
I know this is shitty of me, Kenneth. But we’re breaking up.
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