Rebecca Martinson, modern study in leaning in and sorority girl extraordinaire, has penned an advice column for BroBible called “A Guide To Getting A Guy To Text You The Morning After,” and surprise! It’s full of really solid advice! Rebecca’s like that friend we all have or definitely need — one who gives stringent, bracing advice that leaves you at first clutching your pearls but then nodding your head in agreement. Perhaps this kind of advice is a form of female pickup artistry; these instructions, once you strip away the aggressive, Regina George-ness of it all, are pretty good. The whole thing is kind of a gem. Let’s unpack this.
REBECCA SAYS: To most drunk guys a wet hole is a wet hole, and with each cranberry vodka the two of you slurp down you’re both less likely to remember what either of you talked about … This is why you only partially put out.”
While it’s nice to maintain the illusion that most men you meet out at a dark, crowded bar are there for intellectual conversation, the truth of the matter is that if you’re out an hour before last call, you’re not looking for someone to discuss Descartes with. Her whole shtick about “half putting out” is crude and the tiny angry feminist that lives in us all is rebelling, but I kinda think she might be right.
REBECCA SAYS: I’m pretty sure no one does this anymore, but for those of you that do the “wait 3 days before you text” thing, stop it. Seriously, if you meet someone and you’re both drunk do you think they’re going to remember you in 3 days?
Finally! The rules that people have for that weird time when you’re interested in someone but aren’t actually dating are completely arbitrary and insane, perhaps varying by region, where you went to college, whether or not you have brown hair or sisters or a brother. Don’t deliberate on texting someone you recall being interested in. Grab your life by the balls, because you’re the master of your own destiny! Preach, Rebecca!
REBECCA SAYS: The whole point of not hooking up with him the first night was so that he’d text you, and now the key is to be interesting so that he wants to keep texting you, not just because he’s tryna get it in but because he enjoys you as a person.
I bristle at the indication that women have to try to be interesting, because I would like to assume that everyone is indeed interesting, but if you strip away the shitty rhetoric, the point remains — just be engaging! Don’t expect things to come to you just because you want them to happen. Make it work for you.
REBECCA SAYS: If at any point you decide you’re actually not really that interested in him, just stop talking to him. It’s that easy. Don’t waste his time and yours by carrying on a conversation you don’t care about.
This is the most important piece of advice, Rebecca’s most valuable takeaway. Your time is valuable, it is precious, because it is yours, and yours alone! Don’t waste that time on anyone or anything you’re not interested in. Value yourself enough to recognize when something isn’t interesting, beneficial, or great, and then if it’s not, on to the next one.
Now, get out there and make Rebecca Martinson proud!