16 Things We Vow Not To Do This BBQ Season

It’s the 4th of July weekend, which means approximately 90 percent of the population will be attending a BBQ in the next few days. We recently got to talking about how our pasts are riddled with epic BBQ fails. Getting drunk and passing out during a particularly heated round of Cranium. Knocking over the buffet while running from a yellow jacket. Hiding in the house because we don’t want to be seen in our swimsuit. You name the tragic/mortifying/stupid BBQ mistake, chances are we’ve made it. In fact, if we were to co-write a memoir, a fitting title might be Poor Choices We’ve Made While Attending BBQs. But no more! This BBQ season, we’ve vowed to step up our game. The first step? We’re publicly promising not make the following BBQ blunders…

1. Run screaming away from wasps. It’s hard to believe the old “they’re more afraid of you then you are of them” adage, but it’s probably true. Time to stop let the thought of getting stung turn you into a shrieking freak.

2. Drink too much beer in the sun and pass out. You must wait until the ride home to pass out. You must not do it in the middle of a game of Cranium.

3. Hide inside/ stay in the pool the whole time because you don’t like the way you look in your bathing suit. Maybe this was acceptable behavior when you were 13 and still going through puberty, but at this point it’s just narcissism. Nobody gives a crap what you look like in a bikini anymore.

4. Eat the entire bowl of guacamole so you don’t have room for the pork roast.Appetizers are deadly when you’re waiting for the meat to smoke. Pace yourself.

5. Stay parked on a lounge chair and only talk to your friends. Mingle, people.

6. Make out with that guy whose name you forgot. Good on you for mingling, but make sure you remember his name if you’re going to hump him behind the grill.

7. Sit on the sidelines while everyone else is playing dodgeball. Your head may have been a ball magnet in high school, but it’s time to move on. Shut up and play.

8. Eat SO MUCH meat that you start getting meat sweats. We don’t know if this is a real thing or something that just happens to us when we eat too much meat in the sun.

9. Dance so hard that you pull two tendons in your foot. Krumping may seem like the best idea at the time, but if you’ve been boozing, best be careful.

10. Wear a shit ton of makeup. You always seem to forget that within a few hours your face will be running down your neck.

11. Forget to shake the mustard before you use it. The weird, yellow ooze is enough to put you off hot dogs forever.

12. Try to be pretty/attractive while eating ribs. Fuck that shit, you’ve just gotta dive in there and tear those things up.

13. Leave your drink on a table filled with other red solo cups that look exactly like yours. Despite what you may tell yourself at the moment, you’re not going to remember which drink is yours. #theplacewheredrinksgotodie

14. Drink warm soda when all the ice in the cooler melts. That’s a life ruiner right there. It goes straight up your nose.

15. Wait for second batch of burgers. You know full well that the BBQ master is going to get too drunk to ever cook them and you will be left starving.

16. Jump in the inflatable kiddie pool for laughs. It won’t be so funny when you bruise your hip on a sprinkler system.