An Open Letter To Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter
Dear Cookie Butter,
I wasn’t aware of your existence until I was standing in line at Trader Joe’s a few weeks ago and noticed a display of jars with a sign that said “LIMIT TWO PER CUSTOMER.” I went to investigate but was stopped by a middle-aged man with a handlebar mustache wearing a Gryffindor t-shirt. Apparently sensing my curiosity, he held his hand up and shook his head. “You don’t want to buy that,” he said ominously.
“Why?” I asked. “What is it?”
“It’s cookie butter,” he said, “and once you start buying it, you will never stop.”
I looked in his basket and saw he had two jars of cookie butter. The woman behind him in line did too. People were swarming the cookie butter display like yellow jackets to a rack of ribs at a 4th of July picnic. Since I’m only human and extraordinarily helpless when it comes to even the most basic marketing schemes, I found myself suddenly overcome with the urge to buy a jar of cookie butter. I pushed past the Oracle of Gryffindor, grabbed one of the few remaining jars and put it in my cart, triumphant.
And then, as the cashier began ringing up my purchases, she got to the cookie butter and stopped. “Are you sure you want to buy this?” she said.
Jesus, cookie butter, what kind of beast are you?
“Yes,” I said. “Well, kinda. I only want it because everyone else does and I’m weak and gullible. I don’t even know what it is.”
“It’s basically peanut butter with ground up cookies in it,” said the cashier, glancing wistfully at the label.
“Oh my God that sounds amazing,” I said. “How do you eat it?”
“However you want,” said the woman who was bagging my groceries. “On bread, celery, crackers, out of the jar. The problem is figuring out how to stop eating it.”
So now you know, cookie butter, that I ignored a total of three dire warnings in order to get you home, where my boyfriend and I promptly popped you open and dipped two spoons into your sweet, creamy innards. “Well, here goes,” we sighed, tapping spoons before taking our first bite of you.
My first thought as you melted on my tongue?
WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!
You are sweet, creamy, and a little bit spicy thanks to a generous swirl of crushed ginger snap type cookies. We quickly sampled you on apples, toast, and crackers while continuing to take bites straight out of the jar. When our cookie butter frenzy was over, the jar was half gone and we were cursing ourselves for falling under your seductive spell.
Cookie butter, I’m sure I’ll be buying two jars of you every time I go to Trader Joe’s for the rest of my life, and I suppose I just need to accept that, but luckily this experience has taught me a valuable life lesson: never, ever disregard advice from a dude in a Gryffindor t-shirt.