10 Things Kim And Kanye’s Baby Will Need To Do To Live Up To Her “North West” Name

Today even the most credible celebrity gossip mags are reporting that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West did, in fact, name their baby girl North. As in North West. I’m sure they chose the name because it seemed like a clever pun, but did they actually think about the geographic region of the country their infant now shares a name with? As someone who lived in Portland for 27 years, I feel a duty to remind little North West that if she wants to live up to her name, she’ll have to adopt some Northwesty habits that might not jive with her famous family’s current lifestyle. Here are 10 examples…

1. Forgo her parents’ designer duds for a wardrobe of zip-off cargo pants and performance fleece.

2. Make it rain. A lot. Like 200 days a year.

3. Point out her mom and aunts’ penchant for blinged out SUVs is wasteful and harmful to the environment. Convince them to trade in their gas-guzzling Range Rovers for a fleet of pre-owned Priuses.

4. Follow in her mom’s liquor-shilling footsteps by becoming the spokesperson for an organic craft brewery.

5. Scold anyone who buys tabloid magazines…and doesn’t recycle them properly.

6. Tell her dad to take a break from the collaborations with Jay-Z and team up with Yo La Tengo.

7. Skip the lavish meals at fancy restaurants and opt for locally grown vegan quinoa wraps at a food truck down the street.

8. Write in Ralph Nader for president even though he will be 97 when she reaches voting age. Whatever. It’s the principle of it, you know?

9. Ride a fixed gear bike to the premiere of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians: Season 35.”

10. Convince her basketball star uncle Lamar Odom to join her ironic wiffle ball team.