Your Kid’s Hairstyle Probably Says Absolutely Nothing About You

Press Release Horror

I receive innumerable beauty and style-related PR emails each day, ranging on the spectrum from the genuinely appealing (well, of course I would like to try this new beauty product!) to the questionable and bizarre. They are usually boring and occasionally troubling (no, I do not wish to attend your “Cellulite Diaries” event, please do not make me go to that), so unless there’s an invitation to reply to or a product I want to call in, I generally just file ‘em away. But every so often I read something that is so baffling, so tone-deaf, SO STRAIGHT-UP FUCKING INCOMPREHENSIBLE, I feel it is my god-given duty as the recipient of this email to share it with the world at large. Like, HOW DID SOMEBODY ALLOW YOU TO SEND THIS? IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS OKAY? I opened one such email today.

My interest was piqued on the spot by the title, “What Your Kids’ Hair Says About You.” Like, what could the style of a child’s hair possibly say about a parent as a person? WELL. Cozy Friedman, “kids hair authority” and owner of Cozy’s Cuts for Kids, insists that the cut and style you choose for your child “speaks volumes” about your own personality. Is that strange and mostly baseless? Yes. Is that DUMB? Absolutely. It is offensive? Nah. HERE’S WHAT IS.


I mean, COME THE FUCK ONNNNNNN, COZY. THE SHEMALE? “DEFINED AND LIKE TO KEEP PEOPLE GUESSING”? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? THIESE ARE CHILDREN WE ARE TALKING ABOUT?! I am unable to properly articulate the way that I am Feeling about this, but let me tell you, IT IS NOT GOOD. NOOOOOOT GOOD, COZY.

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