Amazon describes the little-known (thank God!) 1999 self-help book, The Rules For Getting Laid: Get The Sex You Want as an “outrageous, hilarious, politically incorrect book shows men the boneheaded mistakes they make in seducing women” and tells “readers the secrets no one else will have the guts to speak!” Well, that was putting it kindly. The Village Voice dug up a copy of the out-of-print book and combed through the pages for useful tips from authors David Graff and Ray Schwartz (two men who clearly have never gotten laid). Spoiler: there weren’t any. But there are plenty of super offensive, misogynistic, bordering on stalker-ish/rape-y pieces of sex advice to get whipped up about. Let’s do that, shall we? After the jump, the worst, most awful, most WTF sex advice from the book that promises: “Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!” Burn, burn, burn!
On trying to sleep with feminists:
“Stop prospecting a woman immediately if she is an angry feminist. … They have a venemous streak in them for you just because you are a man. They will want to lecture you about women’s suffering and the hardship of their lives. You can never win with a woman like this. If you do anything she will misconstrue what you did and fight with you.”
All feminists are angry feminists who are looking for a fight!
On listening to a woman:
“The proper way to handle it when a woman tells you her problems is to appear to be listening attentively and nodding occasionally while you get some good thinking done about any other topic you choose.”
Because women can’t tell when you’re listening to them. They’re not clued into that kind of thing.
“Nothing, we mean nothing, turns a woman off faster than the smell of feces.”
I hate to agree with anything these men have ever said in life, but I’m with them on this. If a guy shits his pants on our first date, sex probably isn’t happening.
On online dating:
“There is one important caveat about the women you will meet through personal ads or the on the internet–they are very, very likely to be fat … It’s best to think of them as practice arenas. But do use them, and do practice where your ego isn’t on the line! Once you get used to being seductive, then you can move up to the strippers and Victoria’s Secret models.”
This is too upsetting for me to even make a joke.
“No woman, no matter how hot she is, is worth getting pregnant.”
And YET, penises continue to impregnate vaginas every single day.
On establishing credibility:
“Women in large cities will rarely give you their numbers. Why should they? You must ‘accidentally’ show up where they work or hang out to establish your credibility.”
That’s called stalking.
On first kisses:
“If she recoils from your touch, than you probably need to create more romantic situations for her first.”
If she recoils from your touch, SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE TOUCHED BY YOU!!!
On hitting a woman:
“This rule is so important to your self respect, your long-term success with women, and and staying out of jail that we’ve made it into a rule of its own. Never hit a woman! When you hit a woman, on a moral level, she has won.”
Don’t refrain from hitting a woman because it’s morally reprehensible and violence is not the way to solve anything, don’t hit her because you don’t want her to win.