Having a partner with ejaculation problems is the best thing that ever happened to my sex life. He’s the love of my life and a passionate Duracell bunny of a lover who just keeps going until I’m satisfied, and (obviously, right?) I have no problems with my man’s inability to cum.
But while I’m writhing around with a satisfied smile of ecstasy at the end of another steamy marathon sex session, he worries he’s not a real man — and a quick search of Google shows he’s not the only one. There are no less than 182 million results for “I can’t ejaculate.” But despite this being a common problem there’s surprisingly little information out there about how to increase the chances of him climaxing.
With that in mind, my partner and I embarked on some (practical) research, and here are some tried and tested tips that should get even the most resistant of penises blowing their loads before you can say “baby wipe.”
1. Get to the root causes. It’s always a good idea to try and pinpoint why your man can’t ejaculate. In the case of my partner, a semi-traumatic experience while losing his virginity caused some kind of permanent psychological block: she screamed at him to pull out during ejaculation, and to say it ruined the moment would be an understatement. Communicating about how he felt during this first sexual experience has allowed him to gain some distance and see the event objectively, as a one-off negative experience that bears no relevance to his three year relationship with me. It’s also allowed us to avoid trigger situations. I have a IUD so we don’t need to worry about unwanted pregnancies, missed pills or dangerous withdrawal methods for example.
2. Ask him what his fantasies are. It goes without saying that the more turned on he is, the more likely it is that he’ll cum. If your partner’s ideal situation is to have a chocolate-licking orgy with seven naked ladies in a mirrored boudoir, he might not get his wish. Sometimes, though, it’s the simple things that drive him wild: kissing the inside of his thigh, licking his earlobes, tickling his balls. These small acts can make all the difference. Discovering what makes your partner crazy with pleasure is a learning curve, so treat every sex session as a fun experiment. It’s not all about what he likes to be done to him, but what he’d secretly like to do to you. Personally, I draw the line at anal sex and face shots, but have tried to be as open-minded as possible about the rest. For example, I’d never felt comfortable sitting on a man’s face before, but I quickly discovered that seeing how excited he gets by this — masturbating himself at the same time he’s giving me cunnilingus — is actually a huge turn-on for me, too. By communicating desires and giving him the opportunity to try new things you wouldn’t have expected to enjoy, you open the door to a better sex life, a deeper trust, and a healthier relationship in general.
3. Build up to it slowly. Most men with ejaculation problems during sex can still reach orgasm through masturbation. It may take a while for your lover to feel comfortable with you watching him masturbate, but luckily it seems most men find this quite a turn-on. My partner and I began slowly, him masturbating by my side after I had reached orgasm during sex. If you don’t feel comfortable with this, he can bring himself to orgasm under the duvet while you simply kiss and stroke his face. Later, he felt ready for me to watch him, incorporating this voyeurism into our foreplay. Again, I was surprised to learn that I liked it a lot. Finally, we were ready for the next step: mutual masturbation, with me lying down on the bed and him in a kneeling position facing me. Watching me touch myself from a higher vantage point drives him crazy, gives him easy access to touch, lick and explore my body, and has finally allowed him to penetrate me just before ejaculation.
4. Down with doggy style.There are some positions that give deeper penetration and heightened sensitivity, making it more likely that he’ll cum. The obvious one would be the doggy position, but like some, I find it quite degrading staring at a wall while being fucked by an invisible man. We prefer to lay on our sides, him penetrating me from behind. This position gives him the same sensation but is much more intimate; our faces are close together allowing us to kiss, he can suck my nipples as he is pressed up against me, and he can rub my clitoris as we make love. We later discovered that with a few well-placed scatter cushions to prop us up a little, we can roll on to our backs during sex in this position. From here- with me lying on top of him and him thrusting from underneath — I can open my legs wide, which he loves, and give his hands (and eyes) full access to my body. It also allows me to touch myself while he watches from over my shoulder- taking him from 0 to 90 almost instantaneously.
5. Be supportive. If he has problems climaxing, the last thing he needs is pressure. The keywords of trust, patience, support and communication are just as important as what physically happens in the sack. It’s crucial that you don’t begin to feel frustrated about his inability to ejaculate — reminding him of it will stop any progress in its tracks. Many women feel that their partner’s inability to cum means they are insufficiently sexy, and worry so much that their partners begin to feel insufficiently masculine. The important thing is to lie back and enjoy the marathon sex sessions without even thinking about his orgasm: you’ll find that when you are both focused on sensations rather than results, that much longed-for climax will appear in its own sweet time.
[Photo from Shutterstock]