Winona was raised pseudo-Catholic and I was raised Jewish, which means we understand the feeling of guilt intimately. Mostly, we feel it all the time about pretty much everything. And we were wondering, what would be able to accomplish in life if we weren’t constantly paddling in an Olympic-sized swimming pool of guilt? Existentially speaking, we think a small amount of guilt is healthy to keep one’s moral and ethical standards in check. But the amount we wade through on a daily basis about something as stupid as the dishes in the sink is just a waste of energy. Guilt literally exhausts you, weighs you down and holds you back. It keeps you focused on the past or the future instead of the present. It keeps you in a state of anxiety instead of a state of peace. And worst of all, it makes you second guess yourself. One minute you’re feeling guilty about paying the cable bill late and the next thing you know, the guilt has shapeshifted into you thinking you are a bad person.
That’s ridiculous! Guilt, we are done with you! Goodbye, guilt. GOODBYE. Below is a list of things we’ve vowed to stop feeling guilty about RIGHT NOW.
1. Taking a vacation day from work with (or without) a good reason.
2. Saying no to that baby shower/ birthday party/ cocktail hour/ girl’s dinner because you’d rather sit at home and stare at a wall.
3. Getting takeout AGAIN because you’re way too tired to make dinner.
4. Not getting to the gym this week…or the last few weeks.
5. Falling asleep when your partner is in the mood to fuck.
6. Not being in the mood to fuck.
7. Not being able to have an orgasm when you are in the mood fuck.
8. Not being able to contribute to your friend’s latest fundraising effort for cancer awareness.
9. Having to get the cheapest item on your friend’s wedding registry because you can’t afford to go to so many weddings because you’re poor.
10. Not being able to pick up the entire check when you invite a friend out to dinner because you’re poor.
11. Spending too much on that pair of shoes when you skimped on a wedding gift.
12. Not calling your parents/grandparents as much as your sibling does.
13. Eating two, maybe three, slices of cake.
14. Forgetting to show up with a card.
15. Not returning all the emails and text messages you got today.
16. Not having gotten a physical for a decade.
17. Sleeping in past 8a.m. on a weekend morning (or, conversely, not being able to sleep in).
18. Having more than two, maybe three, glasses of wine.
19. Being a little cranky with someone you love once in a while.
20. Watching a reality TV marathon all day.
21. Getting drunk that one time and acting like an idiot.
22. Completely spacing on paying the cable bill.
23. Not changing your sheets often enough.
24. Saying something dumb, without thinking, that accidentally hurts someone’s feelings.
25. Not knowing about the latest viral video before all your co-workers.
26. Not having the grandchild that your mom can’t wait for.
27. Not being the scientist your father thought you should be.
28. Telling a teeny tiny white lie every now and then.
29. Getting to work five minutes late every single day because you’re an asshole in the morning.
30. Not living up to your imagined “full potential.”
31. Not having time/enough energy to volunteer at the dog shelter.
32. Buying non-organic produce because it’s way cheaper.
33. Being embarrassingly behind on 24-hour news cycle.
34. Not reading more books/seeing more movies/ going to the goddamn opera.
35. Not being as financially successful as your sibling(s).
36. Shopping at big chain stores that you know are evil.
37. Letting the dishes sit in the sink for a couple of days, or maybe a week.
38. Only cleaning when company is coming over.
39. Not working on that book you’re supposedly writing.
40. Taking a taxi because you just can’t handle public transportation right now.
41. Giving up on high heels because you just can’t walk in them.
42. Going an embarrassingly long time between pedicures.
43. Not being able to tip out the woman that washes your hair at the salon because the haircut costs so much.
44. Not taking the time to ever do your hair once you walk out of that salon.
45. Your unkempt bikini line.
46. Not drinking the recommended eight glasses of water a day.
47. Zoning out when your best friend is telling you a story.
48. Not being a good feminist because you talked shit about another woman.
49. The pathetic state of your retirement fund.
50. Feeling guilty.