Meet our friend Tom. He’s a married guy with tons of relationship experience, and a skilled advice giver who’s here to answer all your pressing sex, dating and relationship questions. Have a query for Tom? Email it to email@example.com and we’ll make sure he gets it! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested. First up…
I just started a new relationship, and my boyfriend is bugging me to get a ‘Brazilian.’ Should I?
And let’s call it what it is: a bald vagina.
It’s not a “Brazilian.” That is a creepy euphemism, which like all euphemisms, hides ugly truth. Also, “Brazilian” is the most ridiculous euphemism for a bald vagina, since Brazil is largely thick, untamed jungle. If any country looks like pubes, it’s Brazil. A shaved bald vagina should be called “the Utah Salt Flats,” but who would ask for that?
Let’s be clear: a good man does not demand a shaved bald vagina. Be suspicious if he does. He is not necessarily a pedophile. But he has something in common with a pedophile, which is usually one thing too many. (I would say the same thing if he liked a thick bush, but owned a sound-proof van).
Why is the man who demands a bald pussy bad? Simple. He is demanding something fundamentally unrealistic from your most intimate area. Almost all humans have pubes*. They’re natural and therefore deeply cool. Only a controlling fantasist would insist that you frequently and obsessively erase a naturally occurring part of you. It’s an Orwellian act of self-denial: “Pubes? No pubes. We are shaved. We have always been shaved, and we have always been at war with Eastasia.”
A shaved bald vagina carries the subtext that you don’t know what you’re doing. From the monastery to the military, shaved heads are a symbol that the ‘shavee’ doesn’t know anything: just shut up and listen. In the Marine Corps, only those who complete their training are you permitted a little fuzz. Reminder: YOU have completed your training. Your vagina survived puberty, and it has seen combat. Your pubes are a hairy medal. Shaving them all off is, frankly, like spitting on a veteran.
Here we confront the “armpit defense.” The crafty creep will plead, “But you shave your armpits and I love your pits. Let’s take that party downstairs!” This is sneaky bullshit. Your pits and your pussy are different: everyone can see your armpits. In our culture, shaving them is a social signal of self-esteem and self-care. Your pubes, however, have an audience of one. They light the way to the most intimate, special, magical place on the human body: the gateway through which we all enter the world. Basically, your vagina is Ellis Island and your pubes are the Statue of Liberty. Without it, your pussy is just any old port.
This is not a critique of grooming. Any grooming choice is by definition great. Growing your bush out, Black Panther-style? Go ahead: many enjoy the “Reggie Watts in a leg-lock” look. Landing strip? Wonderful, but don’t make the strip too thin. No straight man wants to go down on you and think he’s kissing John Waters. If your pubic strip is narrower than a Chicklet or Pez, consider more growth. I am personally opposed to the “arrow” pubic arrangements. They look like the letter V, and it seems like a bizarre one-letter acronym for “vagina,” like your body is a schematic, or an Ikea instruction sheet. It’s also vaguely insulting to give a man a directional arrow pointing towards a vagina. Trust us: we know where it is. Every day we wake up with a plan to get there. We don’t need directions for the last two inches of the journey.
My preference is for a neatly manicured, triangular patch that my wife and I call “The Dorito.” So go at it. Have fun. And don’t forget to send me pictures.
*Of course, if you don’t, and your vagina happens to be bald due to shit happening beyond your control — medication, aging, auto-immune conditions, etc. — it is beautiful and dudes best be all over it, because it’s yours, and therefore the best shit ever.