Our wish this Father’s Day is that we can make it through an entire 24-hour period without our dads looking at us with that perplexed face they make sometimes. Like when you say, “I need to run to the drugstore because we’re out of lotion.” Then he’ll be like, “But we have four bottles Lubriderm from Costco.” And you’ll be like, “I can only use that on my lower legs, but I have to use the firming lotion on my thighs. Also, I hate the way it smells.” Then he’ll look at you like you just tried to explain the Higgs boson to him and skulk away. Oh dad, you have so much to learn about us. Starting with:
1. Why I sometimes enjoy watching “The Real Housewives.” Dad’s comment while I was enjoying a “RHONJ” marathon was: “Those women have some serious damage, huh?” Uh, yeah dad, that’s the point.
2. Why I like to move my furniture around. It’s called nesting.
3. Why I check the expiration date on my milk. To him, food is always “fresh,” even if he bought it at the grocery store three weeks ago.
4. Why I sometimes want my hair to look unbrushed. He’ll pull me aside and say, “You may want to comb your hair in the back.” Then I have to explain that “that’s the intended look.”
5. Why I need designer workout clothes. He’ll offered me his old t-shirt to go the gym and doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be seen in it. I’ll wait for my Lululemons to air dry if I might run into people from high school.
6. Why I can’t just ignore my mother when she asks me if I’m “wearing that out.” To him, that comment was no big deal. He doesn’t get that those words are a battle cry.
7. Why I would ever wear anything that’s not 100 percent comfortable. “Function over fashion” is his life motto, so he obviously doesn’t “get” things like high heels, tight jeans, decorative belts and eyebrow plucking.
8. Why I get pedicures and manicures. To read the gossip rags, obviously, and because I hate the way my feet look without polish. Thanks for the butt ugly toes I inherited from YOU, Dad!
9. Why I need to talk about problems instead of just avoiding them. He seems to think if there’s no definitive solution, there’s no point in discussing it.
10. Why his comments about how much food I eat traumatize me. He’ll be like, “Damn, girl, you got a MAN’S PLATE!,” and then cannot fathom why I slowly, silently begin to return food to the serving platter.
11. Why anyone would need to own more than one pair of shoes. He always encouraged me to trade in my vast collection of pumps, boots, and ballet flats for one pair of versatile hiking boots because “you can wear them anywhere.”
12. Why I think spiders are scary and disgusting instead of gorgeous wonders of nature. He would probably disown me if he knew that I kill spiders sometimes.
13. How much money I spend on clothes and shoes. I spent more on this season’s wedding dress than he spent on a lifetime’s supply of casual wear.