Navigating the courtship process with someone famous is nothing like the movie “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton.” Josh Duhamel and Kate Bosworth made it look easy and adorable. It’s not. It’s confusing and weird. I know because I’m dating a celebrity.
We’ll call him Clarence because nobody is really called Clarence. Here’s the long and short of how we met: over the last nine years since he broke onto the scene as an actor, I had seen most of his movies. He was talented, and cute from the right angle, but tends to be typecast as the “sweet sidekick” or “nerdy friend,” so Hollywood had conditioned me to not to swoon over him. In interviews, however, he always spoke with a quick, sensitive and intelligent wit that kind of blew me away. So, when I ran into him in a bar and we somehow wound up in a conversation, it’s safe to say I was intimidated. But the conversation was amazing. However, famous guys talk to every girl, in every bar, every night, so I thought nothing of it.
Cut to our first date. Yep. Clarence asked me out. And he was nervous as hell, which surprised me because I assumed famous people didn’t get nervous. I was on edge too, but pretended I wasn’t. Once that dissipated, the same chemistry was there. I’m quite the skeptic, but can solidly say that there was definitely, absolutely, 100 percent a connection between us. Undeniable. As he walked me to my car, he kissed me in front people. Again, something I thought famous people weren’t allowed to do because it kills their game. So, it was something. This was a thing?
Clarence asked me on a second date, and things got better with every minute we spent together. I’m not shy, and I’m not usually one to hold back and wait for the dude to call first. So, normally after experiencing that level of chemistry with someone, I’d apply regular post-incredible-dates protocols and make sure that shit was seen through. But I realized there was no rule book for dating celebrities when you’re not one. I found myself in the Bermuda Triangle of relationships with a broken compass. Should you ever find yourself dating a Clarence, don’t make the same mistakes as me:
1. DON’T presume the worst. At first, I automatically presumed that he was banging 65 other girls on account of his highly sought-after-ness. Was I crazy for making this presumption, or would I have been a fool not to? His Twitter @ replies are regularly overloaded with “omg I love you, you’re so sexy, I want u, Clarence is the hottest evaaaaa.”
I mean, this is a privilege that un-famous dudes generally don’t have the option to take advantage of. Eventually, I had to accept the fact that, Twitter worshipers aside, it was possible that he was genuinely single and interested. But I still have doubts when I look at his Twitter feed.
2. DON’T lose yourself online. And speaking of Twitter feeds! Standard online stalking procedure of someone you just started dating is normally restricted to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter if you’re lucky. As we know, famous people’s entire lives are plastered all over the internet. You essentially have a Bible of the personal and romantic escapades of famous people with just one click.
I gave into temptation and found out everything there is to know about Clarence and his romantic/personal history. Right now, I literally cannot peel my eyes off the screen until I’ve read every word and seen every picture and it’s as torturous as it is indulgent. Let’s be honest, I should never have opened Pandora’s box. And neither should you. Trust me: you will create your own personal hell, in which you will waste approximately two hours per day filling your mind with information that is potentially not even true. Now let’s be even more honest. You’ll do it anyway. I do. I have no idea how NOT to. Help me.
3. DON’T play games. I believe that when something genuinely clicks, no games are necessary. However, it’s a known fact that Clarence has girls clambering to get a piece of him on the regular, so I feel this weird need to separate myself from the pack by making myself noticeably less available. CONFESSION: It’s currently my turn to reply to Clarence’s text (a definite reply-worthy text, question-mark and all!). It has been my turn for two days. I’m deliberately not replying, because I’m terrified that if I do, I’ll look like another desperate fan. I’m doing the games-thing and I wish I weren’t.
4. DON’T go there in the first place? I’m hooked. Clarence has not done a single thing wrong. We’ve been on four dates at this point and he has been nothing short of a perfect gentleman, and the chemistry continues to grow. And still, honestly, I’m considering backing the hell out and pretending the whole thing never happened. I don’t know him well enough yet to trust my instincts and believe that the connection is real. My head keeps telling me he’s an actor, he’s good at making things up! What if he’s just acting all those times he stares into my eyes and gets nervous when I smile at him? He’s trained to be good at that! urely he’s a natural at putting on the charm and creating the illusion of chemistry, right?! Also, he’s a veteran dater. I know this because the internet told me so. And he’s famous, why would he want to settle for un-famous me?
I feel like if I just go and re-watch “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton,” my compass will start working again. I’m just not sure if it’ll be upside down.