I’ve never had a wedding. I’ve never planned a wedding. I’ve never even helped plan a wedding. But, as a 30-something, I’ve been attending weddings regularly for the last decade and I think it’s time for me tell about-to-tie-the-knot couples the truth: the things your guests care about (open bar! music!) and the details you’re stressing over (favors! the selected reading at your ceremony!) are completely different. If you were considering making your guests pay for drinks, may I recommend that you skip the embossed matchbooks and focus on what’s important here: ENDLESS CHAMPAGNE. Not that the wedding is for the guests, but just in case you were wondering, here are some things your guests will/won’t remember about your big day:
How tasty the wedding cake was. Sugar lover that I am, if the frosting isn’t good, I will remember not liking the cake. I keep a mental wedding cake log. Perhaps I am alone in this.
Whether or not the music was dance-able. If it was all slow songs or pounding club music or the band sucked, I probably didn’t dance.
If there was an open bar. Oh, I will remember if you made me open my wallet for a cocktail at your goddamn wedding.
If you did something really cool for the food. I went to a wedding where they had mini grilled cheeses and milkshake shooters. Fun!
Who dressed inappropriately. Like the guy who wore jeans to the last wedding I went to. Come on dude.
If there were any hot, bangable guys. In my stag wedding days, this was of the utmost importance.
A genuine, personalized vow exchange. I mean, I won’t, like, memorize every word of your vows, but I’ll remember the moment where I had to break my tissues out.
How awkward the seating arrangement was. If you stuck me in a corner with uncle Ned and I had to listen to hours of convo about the benefits of working in the oil industry, I’ll never forget it.
Who was the drunkest and made a fool of themselves. Unless it’s me and I’m passed out by the gift table. In which case, I’ll remember nothing.
The bride’s dress. That’s the only outfit of the evening I’ll remember besides my own and the guy who wore jeans.
If you had your wedding somewhere cool. I’ll never forget the wedding at the crazy sculpture garden. There were peacocks.
If your wedding favor was matches or candles. Eh, I don’t really need a favor. I’d rather have a cocktail hour.
What your floral arrangements looked like. I’m sure they were gorgeous, I just have no recollection if they were calle lilies or roses or birds of paradise.
What I ate. If you went with traditional wedding faire (not grilled cheese and milk shake shooters), I don’t remember what variety of beef/fish/pork I was served.
What your wedding song was. Was it “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros or did you go the “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green route?
Your ceremony, if it was over 10 minutes. It’s just impossible to pay attention for that long. It’s no reflection on how happy I am for you. I promise. But can you cap it at 20 minutes please?
The number of bridesmaids you had. In fact, I don’t remember a single detail about a single bridesmaid EVER. Time to do away with that tradition.
The bride’s shoes. Was she even wearing shoes?
Your programs. That was the piece of paper I used to fan myself when it got hot in the church/ and or blow my nose when I ran out of tissues.
The after party. I was either sleeping, or sleeping with my eyes open. Make me cry, feed me a five-course meal, make me dance and drink for champagne hours and what do you expect? I’m ready for bed.