Let me be clear right here from the start, nice people are amazing all the time and wanting to be one should be a main goal in everyone’s life. This isn’t about them.
“Nice Guys,” with the quotes — and if you’re reading this out loud, a little stank in your voice — are not really that nice. They’re actually pretty shitty people who are entitled little shitheads and incapable of understanding the feelings of others. It’s pretty common and understandable if you think like this in middle school or high school, because everyone at that age is usually pretty terrible (definitely myself included), but “Nice Guys” in their twenties and beyond are a real bunch of life-failing sadness machines that just bring my day down like no other.
But it doesn’t have to be like this! I put together some helpful tips so you can tell if you or someone you know is being a Nice Guy, and then get your life back on track to not being a suckfest of a human.
1. You think you’re better than other people. (You aren’t.)
One of the main calling cards of Nice Guys (remember to say it all shitty in your head), is that they think they’re great. The only way they could be rejected is if some asshole comes along. “But I’m way better than that guy! My niceness knows no bounds” Well, slow your roll there pal, because you’re probably awful and don’t even know.
You’ve got to think about what you’re bringing to the table here. Are you nice? Yeah, so is pretty much every other guy out there, including the one she’s dating. He’s probably also better-looking, smarter, better to talk to, with a better job, or maybe even better at sex. It could even be just one of those things, or none of those things if they’re just a good match and have chemistry. That doesn’t make him the inferior jerk and you the superior nicer guy, it just means she likes him and not you. And that’s it. Is that your fault? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Is it her fault? Definitely not. Should you obsess over it and hate her? No, move on.
2. You think you know what women want. (You have no clue.)
But also, how unimportant is holding a door for someone or pulling out a chair? I don’t know what the struggles associated with day-to-day life as a woman are and I never really will, but I’m pretty sure having to open doors and move chairs will never be a day-ruiner. This (hopefully fake) person above brings nothing of value to a relationship, and thinks just being Nice should make him in high demand. “Holy shit, he’s nice? No way, I don’t believe it! How could this perfect, smart, cute, nice Adonis still be single? All women must be heartless bitches, right?” Not quite.
So what do you do? Well you start working on making yourself a person other people would want to be with. Get a personality, be engaging, fun, interesting — seriously anything that could make someone find value in having you around. Doors mostly have those wheelchair buttons now anyway, so if that’s all you’ve got, you’re going to be lonely for a while. And that’s because you don’t even have the only quality you think you need — niceness.
3. You think you’re nice. (Not even close.)
The worst part about Nice Guys, is that they aren’t really nice. One of the biggest indications that you’re dealing with a Nice Guy is that they will tell you how nice they are. If you’re a self-proclaimed anything, odds are you aren’t whatever it is and are actually the opposite. And that’s exactly the case here. Nice Guys say they’re Nice, but are really just pretty shitty and kind of hate women.
I like to think the first Nice Guy existed after he was rejected by someone who let him down easy with an “I’m sorry, you’re just too nice” lie. He really took that to heart, and blamed his lack of success on how great he was, instead of realizing how terrible he was, and then with further rejection, grew to develop a hatred of all women instead a realization of his own flaws.
For the most part, Nice Guys are really just too wrapped up in their bitterness and entitlement to really think of women as people. They view dating as a game, a game with which they think they can “win” but are being cheated by “bitches” and “assholes.” They don’t factor in other people’s thoughts or feelings or motivations, or how they are perceived by others. Women just exist as sex prizes for making the right moves, and if it doesn’t work for you it’s because “girls like assholes and bad boys, and I’m too nice and they’re all bitches and sluts who don’t realize I’m great.”
But that’s not how it works at all, and is an incredibly fucked way of looking at things. You aren’t owed anything for being nice. Everyone should be nice. To every person you meet. All the time. Not just because you want to have sex with them. That’s not nice. Dating isn’t some game — it’s making an emotional connection. And a one-sided attraction isn’t a connection. It’s a creepy obsession, and you can’t create an actual emotional bond with a woman if you view women as pieces of meat, or see women as something to be won over or deceived into being with you. I mean really what the fuck is wrong with you? Ugh.
If you are a Nice Guy, it’s not too late, and hopefully you can become a functioning member of society, capable of entering into a healthy relationship with a person you actually care about who cares about you. But you won’t get anywhere unless you realize your flaws, and how your way of thinking is harmful; how to treat women as actual human beings; and work to be a better person. Remember, being an actually nice person is great! Being too nice so you get taken advantage of is stupid. And being a Nice Guy is super shitty. Don’t be that. That’s the worst you can be.
Reprinted with permission from one of our fave blogs, Stuff You Will Hate.