The “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” franchise has a number of frequently used words and catchphrases. “Journey.” “Fairytale.” “Princess.” “I’m not here to make friends.” And, most notably, “here for the right reasons.” Well, this episode managed to make me loathe that phrase more than I thought possible, by making this week’s group date a hip-hop music video shoot. In which the bachelors and Desiree wrote their own rap called “For The Right Reasons.” And fucking SOULJA BOY — you know, of “Crank That” fame? — appeared in it and it was the most offensive thing to happen to rap music since Riff Raff. Ugh. If I was “The Bachelorette,” I would have a firm “no desecrating the art of rap” clause in my contract. Des, on the other hand, seemed to really enjoy this shit. I digress. You can see the whole horrifying video above.
Oh yeah, so anyway, before DJ Des and The Boyz recorded their hot new summer jam, Desiree went on her first one-on-one date with Brooks. Brooks gives me gay vibes, I’ll be honest. He really didn’t seem to mind spending a good portion of his date with Des hanging out at her bridal showroom. (The amount of dates on this show that are certifiable boner killers absolutely astounds me, BTW.) Brooks and Des do some driving around LA in a Bentley, then get “lost” in a sketchy neighborhood and end up having a romantic dinner in the middle of a bridge. Brooks is hesitant to open up to Des, but eventually spills what Scientologists would call “his ruin.” His parents divorced and he didn’t talk to his dad for years. Tears well up in Desiree’s eyes, so naturally Brooks get a rose and I still cannot come up with a decent nickname for him.
Alright, so then it’s the horrifying group date and I think we’ve seen enough of that. All you need to know is that Ben, aka Hello Daddy, is stilllll using his young son to score points with Des — and it’s working. Much to the other group date particpants’ chagrin, Ben manages to daddy dickmatize Des into giving him another rose, meaning he’s safe at the next rose ceremony. Mikey T. is especially annoyed with how much alone time with Des that Ben is finagling and tries to “clear the air.” Mikey is more into clearing the air with Serial Dad and being besties with all the dudes than he is in getting to know Des, if you ask me.
One-on-one date number two goes to Bryden, the sensitive military guy. Upon realizing that he has spaces between his teeth, I’m calling him Cappy Gappy hence forward. Their date is inspired by Des’s childhood growing up being poor and camping and driving around and eating at convenience stores. No, seriously. Cappy Gappy thinks it’s AMAZING. And now it’s time to share his ruin: he got in a construction accident and suffered a collapsed lung and had to get 100 staples in his head or something. Des eats his sob story up and rewards him with a cookie, I mean, a rose. Cappy Gappy is safe for another week.
Cocktail party time! I still can’t tell many of these guys apart and few of them are sticking out to me as, like, potential winners. One who does make an impression on me and Des is Michael G, who confesses his ruin to Des: he has Type-1 Diabetes. I don’t know much about Diabetes but I imagine it can be serious. It can also be a very boring topic, which is why I took a pee break while Michael told Des about a particularly harrowing call with his doctor about his blood sugar levels.
Michael is interrupted by Serial Dad, who already has a rose. Stealing alone time when you don’t “need it,” is, like, a classic move for the “I’m not here to make friends” type. Michael G takes it like a champ, but Mr. Clear The Air ain’t havin’ it, and insists on clearing the damn air again with Serial Dad, who is tryin’ to act all innocent, like he didn’t realize he was interrupting minute 10 of Michael’s recounting of his emotional medical history. The only other interesting tidbits to come out of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour? I noticed that Nick M looks just like the guy from that shitty band Crazy Town, SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK. And also, I was delighted to notice that Brandon has adult braces on his bottom teeth. Yes!
Rose Ceremony time. Serial Dad, Brooks and Cappy Gabby all have roses already. The rest of the roses are handed out, with three dudes being sent home. Crazy Town is gone. So is Robert, one of the guys I had in my Final Four. And say bye-bye to the only Black guy, Bikram Yogi Will. We hardly new ye, Will. Sigh.
Next week, everyone still hates Ben. I, meanwhile, hate Ben’s tank top.