I was late to work today. Well, I’m late every day because I seem to have a high rate of mishaps first thing in the morning, but today I was super late. I woke up early, with a vow to be on time. That’s how it always begins. At 6:50 a.m., my roommate knocked on my door to tell me there was no hot water. This is becoming a way-too-normal occurrence in my apartment lately (that’s another post). Only, today it was worse because my parents are in town and we’re having dinner tonight and I had planned to shave my legs and wash my hair, so this was particularly bad news. I decided that there was no way I could skip the hair washing, but I could get away with no leg shaving and wear one of my jumpers, of which I have many. The only issue with wearing a one piece is the whole peeing thing. And I drink an absurd amount of coffee and water, so I have to pee ALL THE TIME.
After the coldest, most torturous shower of my life, after which I had to massage my fingertips to get feeling back, I was dressed and ready to go ON TIME (miracles happen!). I decided to tackle one last piss session before I left the house. It’s a whole process and I was like, Go for it! You’re running ahead of schedule. You have time for the pee process. I peed and stood up to wipe –completely naked because I was wearing a jumper — and peered down into the toilet bowl to discover the entire belt of my jumper swimming in my pee. I screamed and hobbled with my jumper around my ankles to the kitchen where I grabbed some laundry detergent, washed the pee soaked belt in the sink and hobbled into my bedroom — still naked — to blow dry myself. And that’s why I was late.
How do you explain this to your boss? Do you say, “I am late because I got urine on my jumper and couldn’t wear a dress because my legs are unshaven because I have no hot water.” No. You don’t. You walk into the office with your head hung in shame and pray that you don’t smell like a litter box. In light of the aforementioned incident, I’ve decided to write a handy guide to peeing in a jumper both for my own benefit and for yours. Like, right now I have to pee and I’m holding it because I’m scared of having another mishap. I don’t want to live like this! I want us all to wear jumpers this summer with confidence. Because they’re hot and bathroom complications should never get in the way of fashion. Here’s how it’s done:
Step 1: Make sure you are a good foot or so away from the toilet bowl, unzip, unlatch, unhook, pull down the top of your jumper.
Step 2: With your dominant hand (I’m a lefty, so I use my South paw) gather up the top half/legs of the jumper and hold them in your hand so they don’t drag along the bathroom floor. This step is even more important if you’re in a dirty, public restroom where you would rather die than have your clothing touch the ground.
Step 3: Slowly move backwards toward the toilet with dangling jumper parts in hand and get in position. Hover over toilet seat if you are in public because it’s gross to sit on the toilet IMO.
Stept 4: Pee.
Step 5: Stand up very carefully, facing the pee direction, still holding your jumper with your dominant hand. Be careful not to drip pee drops. Switch jumper holding to your non-dominant hand, and with your dominant hand reach for the toilet paper. Please note: this choreography may need to change depending on the placement of the toilet paper roll.
Step 6: Wipe once to get rid of excessive drippage and shuffle away from the toilet bowl ASAP so as not to dip any parts of your jumper in the dirty toilet bowl like I did this morning.
Step 7: Wipe until feels right for you. (I’m not gonna tell anyone how to wipe, that would be weird.)
Step 8: Standing a generous distance from the toilet bowl, zip, latch, hook, pull up your jumper. Check to make sure everything is dry.
Step 9: Kick your dominant leg in the air. How high you kick should depends on flexibility/how much extra material there is on your jumper leg. I am wearing a bell bottom jumper today so I am on red alert. You don’t want any of that material in the toilet after all the care you’ve taken. Flush the with the bottom of your shoe. (Am I the only person who does that?)
Step 10: Wash your hands. (I hope I’m not the only person who does that!)