Dear Luis Briones,
You just got arrested in New Mexico after crashing your car. Police could tell pretty quickly you were driving drunk, which is already a dealbreaker, but it quickly became apparent that something else had contributed to your little “accident.” Maybe it was because you were found hiding in a cactus(?!) wearing only one shoe and had your shorts on inside out, or maybe it’s because your female passenger was totally naked, but you eventually got busted for not only driving under the influence, but having sex while driving under the influence. While a small part of me is impressed by your ability to multitask, a much larger part of me is disgusted by your complete disregard for other people’s safety.
I think it’s safe to say: we’re breaking up.
No longer yours,