As has become tradition, the star of this season of “The Bachelorette” is a beloved and completely palatable cast-off from the previous season of “The Bachelor.” Desire Hartsock’s heart “was broken” by “Bachelor” Sean Lowe after her brother gave him a hard time on her hometown date. But she’s back and her brother is hopefully locked up somewhere, unable to run his mouth and ruin Desiree’s latest search for the man of her dreams. As I recap this season of “The Bachelorette,” I’ll be updating a scoreboard of the 25 men vying for Desiree’s affection, giving them nicknames as I start to be able to tell them apart, because, like usual, they all look exactly the same. Ahh, white dudes. Spoilers abound after the jump!
Drew (Ken #1) has the first sob story of the night — his parents divorced, his dad hits the bottle and he has a severally mentally handicapped sister.
Brooks has a mini mullet. Not gonna lie, I get a gay vibe.
Brad (DJ Square Jaw) shows up with a wishbone and asks Des to break it with him. His bio on ABC says he DJs!
Michael is suuuuuper hot and Ken-like (making him Ken #2). He went looking for a penny in the wishing well but he comes up empty-handed.
Kasey (#Douchebag)works in social media so he thinks he’s really clever for Google stalking Des before the show and coming up with various hashtags for her. Throughout the episode, #Douchebag doesn’t stop saying hashtag-this, hashtag-that, which makes me think he’s just playing a social media expert on TV.
Bryden (aka Sgt. Sensitive) joined the army after he got his heart broken five years ago. He has one of those Caesar haircuts that was very popular in the mid-’90s.
Will does Bikram yoga and he doesn’t care who knows it! Alas, he is Black which means his days are likely numbered.
Mikey T. is one of four dudes wearing a teal/seafoam colored shirt in his ABC bio, and the first of those guys I have nothing to say about. Hence, I’m calling him Teal Shirt #1.
Jonathan is likely just trollin’ because he hops out of the limo and asks Desiree to go to the fantasy suite. More on why I’m calling him Love Tank Loser in a bit…
Zak W. (Shirtless Blunder) showed up shirtless, which means he was lucky to emerge from the limo after Love Tank Loser. Looks less lame in comparison.
James (Beefcake) had some deep words for Des about loyalty, I think, but I was too busy looking for his neck to listen.
Larry (Not-So-Dapper Dipper) really wanted to show off his smooth moves, but a failed dip resulting in almost ruining Des’s Jessica McClintock dress. Later, he gets really emo about it.
Nick R. (Magician McGee) makes custom men’s clothing by day and performs magic tricks by night. Meh.
Zack K. (Teal Shirt #2) wore Chuck Taylors with his suit. He is also a fan of the color teal. That is all I know.
Diogo (Sir No-Go) wants to be Desiree’s knight in shining armor. Literally, I guess, because he gets out of the limo is a full suit of shining armor. It’s the dude version of Lindsay’s wedding dress from last season, only more cumbersome.
Chris pretends to get down on one knee to propose, ties his shoe instead.
Mike (McWeenie) is a Brit lacking in a British accent. Fail. He showed up in his dentist’s uniform and called himself McDreamy. Disagree!
Robert (Ken #2) says he invented the sign spinner. How is he not getting laid, like, all the time with an invention like that?!
Juan Pablo (The Latin One) is sexy and Venezuelan and couldn’t be bothered to wear a tie so he’s clearly the bad boy of this season. Des cannot pronounce his name for the life of her, but I think a moan suffices.
Brandon rolls up on his motorcycle, which, like, feels kind of unfair. Are all the guys allowed to take their own transpo if they want? Anyway, Brandon clearly has a small dick. He has the second sob story of the night — in short, dad left, mom has addiction issues.
Brian is very proud of his soft jacket.
Micah designed his own suit and it is terrible.
Nick M. is this year’s token amateur rhyming poet and the first person I’m really hoping gets the boot because I cannot handle bad rhyming love poems.
Dan. I remember jack shit about him. Sorry Dan.
Last but not least, we have Ben (Hello Daddy) who emerges from the limo with a little boy in tow. Ben uses his pint-sized son Brody to woo Des and score the first impression rose. He’s a single dad — he had his son with a best female friend, which I think will make for interesting convos between him and Des going forward. Brody is super cute but it’s pretty manipulative and, like, selfish to bring him on the first episode to meet a woman he may never see again. But apparently it worked on Des!
It’s cocktail party time and Des and the dudes mingle. Inspired by Sean’s decision to give out, like, most of his roses during the first night cocktail party, Des ends up giving pre-ceremony roses to Ken #1, Sgt. Sensitive and the Shirtless Blunder. You know who didn’t get a rose? The Love Tank Loser. See, Des may have said no to his first offer to go to the Fantasy Suite, but Jonathan is not giving up! His love tank is full – so very very very full – and it’s been at least a year … since what, LTL? Since you got laid? Since you drained your Love Tank? Try jerking off, bozo.
Dude probably got an F at PUA school — and his ass handed to him when Des dismisses him before the rose ceremony.
At the rose ceremony, Des gives her remaining roses out to everyone but Magician McGee, Sir No-Go, and the Not-So-Dapper Dipper. Showing good judgment so far, Des! Approved! Below, check out where the guys stand. The rose icon means the guy in question scored a rose before the rose ceremony, the suitcase is next to whoever was sent packing that week, and the hearts represent my gut-feeling final four. I know, they’re all carbon copy blondes. (See a larger version here.)