Wedding season is kind of the best. I gladly welcome any excuse to put on a fancy dress, throw on some lipstick and toast the merry union of two souls, united in common interests, rooted in love. Weddings exist on a plane where everything is heightened, cast in a rosy glow fueled by champagne and cake and the joy of others. Every song is your song, in every conversation you are charming and witty, and, after a while, everyone — and I mean everyone — looks like a prime candidate for a clandestine makeout sesh over in the corner by the photo booth. Before you slink over to the target in your crosshairs, check yourself. Let us help you. Follow this guide, and you should be golden.
DO NOT PROCEED
Anyone Who Is Currently Married (Including The Newlyweds, Obviously): I really shouldn’t have to say this, but you probably shouldn’t attempt to sleep with anyone married or in a relationship. If you’re at a polyamorous commitment ceremony, go for it. If this is your cousin’s wedding, or your boss’s wedding, or the wedding of the brother of a guy you’re seeing who you only sorta like — STOP. Retreat. Put down that drink. Go get some water and think about what you almost did, naughty!
PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION (AND PERHAPS NOT AT ALL)
Unmarried Parents Of The Bride Or The Groom: This is still VERY dangerous territory, and I implore you to think very seriously about the decision you’re about to make. A divorced dad or single mom may seem alluring in the moment, but please, think about how awkward that brunch will be tomorrow morning, not to mention the tearful conversations you’ll have to have with the bride or groom.
ALL THESE PEOPLE CAN GET IT
The Hot Distant Cousin: This is a relatively safe option. Perhaps you’ve been seated next to the bride’s very attractive and shiny-haired cousin. Perhaps you’ve been brushing hands occasionally as you reach towards the bread basket, or maybe he poured you a glass of wine and smiled, or maybe you guys have been getting along really, really well. Whatever the situation may be, this option is low-risk, with a decent success rate. Go for it.
The Cater Waiter: If the waiters working the event you’re at are NOT 17-going-on-18-year old almost college freshman, feel free! It’s totally okay to make out with the waiter behind the catering tent — and look at it this way, you probably made their day. Full steam ahead.
The DJ Or Guy From The Wedding Band: Why not bring the life of the party back home once the party’s over? Sleeping with the DJ is good for a story at minimum, and at best, you have a fun romp. Win-win.
Your Date: Hey, here’s a novel idea! Sleep with the person you brought to the wedding! If it’s your significant other, I honestly do not need to give you permission. If it’s someone you are possibly maybe interested in, a wedding is a perfect opportunity to test the waters. Just a friend? Eh, you’re probably both a little tipsy and no one has to know…
Your Ex: Weddings stir up lots of feelings, and if your ex is there, it’s perfectly natural for you to consider acting on the way you feel. Indulging in this impulse will either be a good or bad decision, but the actual act itself will be pleasant, comfortable, familiar. You just need to assess the consequences, figure out whether or not you can handle them, and proceed from there.
There you have it! Print this out, tuck it in your clutch and carry it close to your heart this wedding season.
This post is sponsored by “Bridezillas” on WeTV. The new season premieres this Friday, May 31, at 9/8 c.