Oh Riker, oh Commander, oh my dearest William T.,
The time has come to express just how much you mean to me.
I’ve had many crushes, they come and go every day,
But my love for you, Riker, well, it’s never gone away.
I watched “The Next Generation” in the days of my youth,
Enraptured by the Enterprise, and, to tell you the truth,
I had feelings for most of the men on the bridge,
I loved Data’s deadpan and Worf’s forehead ridge.
I doted on Geordi, on Jean-Luc I was keen,
But I succumbed to your charms in your very first scene.
As soon as I saw you I knew you were The One–
You stopped me in my tracks like a phaser set to stun.
With soulful eyes, broad shoulders, and a confident swagger
You barreled into my heart like a sexy Klingon dagger.
And your voice! Smooth like butter but deep and so strong;
I dreamed that someday you might sing me a love song.
And then, just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter,
You grew a beard, cementing your status as fantasy fodder.
Remember when you discovered there was a Riker #2?
All I wanted was to be in a sandwich of you.
I wrote you love letters, I practiced our first kiss;
It never occurred to me that you didn’t exist.
Even now, years later, when I watch TNG
I can’t help but wonder, “Do you think about me?”